The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

Unwanted wisdom may make them grab tighter to their negative view of themselves because now it’s become a matter of control.

The Latin root of the word emotion, emovere, means “to move.” Our bodies and minds are linked, and the part of the brain that tells the body to move is adjacent to the part that’s responsible for clearheaded thinking. There is a close overlap between our motor control functions and our mental control, or executive functions, which is one reason why exercise is so beneficial for developing self-regulation. Exercise is more generally good for the brain and body. It increases levels of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, which provide stability, focus, mental alertness, and calmness. Exercise stimulates the production of the protein BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor), which is considered a brain “fertilizer” because it’s important for the growth of the brain and for helping cells wire together. Exercise provides more glucose and oxygen to the brain, which promotes neurogenesis, the growing of brain cells. In short, it’s often said that exercise does more to help clear thinking than thinking does, in part because it stimulates and strengthens the prefrontal cortex’s control functions.

The same brain systems are involved in language comprehension, whether the language is written or spoken, which means that being read to or listening to a recorded book develops the same parts of the brain that will eventually engage in reading comprehension.

“Low levels of dopamine make people and other animals less likely to work for things, so it has more to do with motivation and cost/benefit analysis than pleasure itself.”

Remember that ultimately his schoolwork is his problem, and that if you work harder to help him than he does, you are doing him no favors.

When our kids are struggling, most of our work as parents is really on ourselves. That’s why our most fundamental message is to focus on being a nonanxious presence. You may be fighting your own fears for your child, fighting your daily stressors, and maybe even fighting your child. Breathe. Make sure your own brain isn’t flooded before you act.

One of our favorite neuroscientists, Sonia Lupien, uses an acronym to explain the things that make life stressful: Novelty Unpredictability Threat to the ego Sense of control (or lack thereof)

Sometimes love and fear get mixed together, and when parents become overly controlling, they are probably acting out of the fear part of their brains.

You want the best for your kid, and sometimes it feels that if he would just focus more, or if you could just inch him a little bit closer to his goal, he’d get there. It hurts you to see him struggle or fail at anything; you want to protect him and make his path forward as easy as possible. Remember, we’re parents, too. We get it. But you’re in it with your kids for the long haul, and part of being a parent is standing on the sidelines sometimes so that they can return to you for a hug and pep talk before going back out there.

Given school-related stress, the lack of regularity in their sleep cycles, and the sleep-impairing effects of binge drinking and technology, college students are at least as likely as older adults to experience sleep disorders. Students who do not sleep enough pay for it with poorer academic performance and increased risk for a wide range of emotional problems.

In addition to making students more likely to get behind in their classes and engage in a lot of dangerous activities (vandalism, trouble with the police, unplanned and unprotected sex, and drunk driving), evidence is emerging that binge drinking compromises learning and memory, in part by affecting the development of new neurons in the hippocampus.

Binge drinking is the way many cope; it offers a profound sense of escape. When kids are drunk they feel more powerful and more connected. It’s a quick fix, but long term it’s disastrous.

Given the brain-toxic lifestyles that many college students lead, it’s not surprising that they often don’t have much to show for their four or five years on campus.

We see lots of kids every year who, like Todd, go off to college before they can independently get themselves into or out of bed, manage their own academic work, hold a part-time job, or regulate their use of their cell phone, video games, and other electronic entertainment. Many of them have had parents or guidance counselors who have essentially force-marched them down the straight path to college, reinforcing the idea that it’s more important to try to make kids do well than to help them truly understand that they are responsible for their own lives.

Youth may be wasted on the young, but that’s nothing like the education misspent on students who are not yet ready to learn.

There are many reasons why adolescents might not be ready to go to college right after high school. They may lack the adequate academic skills. They may lack self-awareness or self-regulation skills, or struggle with anxiety or depression. They may not be ready to manage the details of living independently. Or they may be burned out from four years of going pedal to the metal in high school. They may be prone to social isolation. Or their brains simply may not be developed enough. Remember, just as kids develop physically at different rates, the same is true of their brains.

If a student is not able to complete his applications and college essay independently, or with some help that he seeks out, he is probably not ready to start college.

So often parents carry their kids 26.1 miles of a marathon, then set them down when they’re within sight of the finish line. When they cross over that finish line, everyone hugs and congratulates them. But they haven’t really gotten there. They had very little to do with it—and they know it. You won’t get a sense of control over your life by avoiding hard work or receiving unearned trophies. It comes from diligence and commitment.