The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

It turns out that it’s the sense of control that matters, even more so than what you actually do. If you have confidence that you can impact a situation, it will be less stressful. In contrast, a low sense of control may very well be the most stressful thing in the universe.

If a child feels like he’s in control in a stressful situation, then in later situations when he might actually not be in control, his brain will be equipped to handle that stress better.9 He is, in effect, immunized.

Teachers can teach, coaches can coach, guidance counselors can outline graduation requirements, but there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home. For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience.

it couldn’t be their responsibility to make sure that her life was successful, and that their job was to support her, express empathy, set limits when necessary, and model assertiveness.

When we can be a nonanxious presence for our children, we do a world of good—just by not freaking out. In fact, a recent study showed that other than showing your child love and affection, managing your own stress is the best thing you can do to be an effective parent.

In Friedman’s view, we live in a chronically anxious and reactive society in which there are too few people leading our families, schools, and organizations who can serve as a nonanxious presence. He makes the case that groups work best when leaders are true to themselves and are not unduly anxious or worried—and thus do not communicate undue worry or fear to others. From Friedman’s perspective, this is as true for families as it is for religious organizations or large corporations.

When parents separate their happiness from their children’s, when they accept that it’s okay for mom to be happy and at peace even if her twelve-year-old is not, it’s easier for them to offer the support their kids need.

“We don’t need you to make us feel safe . . . you made us feel brave and that’s even better.”

Simply labeling stress differently will change performance results. Po Bronson reported that professional musicians and athletes experience anxiety prior to a performance, but they interpret it as energizing, whereas amateurs interpret it as detrimental.6 For one group, anxiety leads to flow. For the other, it is a threat.

in any given situation, you can choose the point of view that is most helpful. When you ask yourself what the most likely explanation is, it’s usually not disaster. There are certainly times when really bad things happen, but it doesn’t make sense to catastrophize every day of your life.

So often, when it feels like everything is going wrong, things are just being reorganized in helpful ways that we could never anticipate.

As has often been said, people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Think of how you want to make your child feel. Loved. Trusted. Supported. Capable. And above all else, let that be your guide.