The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

As a parent, you have to do what feels right to you, and you should help your child understand that. “I can’t in good conscience let you make that decision. It doesn’t feel right” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. So

So what does “It’s your call” mean? Most simply: When it comes to making decisions about your kids’ lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves. First, set boundaries within which you feel comfortable letting them maneuver. Then cede ground outside those boundaries. Help your kids learn what information they need to make an informed decision. If there’s conflict surrounding an issue,

use collaborative problem solving, a technique developed by Ross Greene and J. Stuart Albon that begins with an expression of empathy followed by a reassurance that you’re not going to try to use the force of your will to get your child to do something he doesn’t want to do. Together, you identify possible solutions you’re both comfortable with and figure out how to get there. If your child settles on a choice that isn’t crazy go with it, even if it is not what you would like him to do.1

all. Your kids have to be willing to listen and to think the options through, period.

Beyond this, if a child is seriously depressed or suicidal, all bets are off. Her logic is impaired and you cannot start with the baseline belief that she wants her life to work out. People who are depressed can’t think clearly, as depression is defined, in part, by disordered thinking. Likewise, if a kid is dependent on alcohol or drugs or engaging in self-harm, he or she cannot adequately weigh the pros and cons and come to a good decision. We

The more experience kids have of managing their own stress and overcoming their own challenges, the more their prefrontal cortex will be able to regulate their amygdala.

Many of our clients are familiar with research on adolescent brain development. They know that teenagers have a tendency to take seemingly stupid risks, especially when they’re around friends. These parents know that the prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully matured. But as we pointed out in Chapter Two, it doesn’t make sense to wait until your children’s brains have fully matured before entrusting them with decisions, or you would be waiting until their late twenties or early thirties. The brain develops according to how it’s used.

Remember that magic line: “I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.” Sarah’s parents were communicating the exact opposite to her. It’s

“I trust you to make a good decision, and this will ultimately be your call, but I want to be sure you make the best decision possible, so I’d like to help you think through the pros and cons of either option. I also want you to talk to people who have more experience and to get their feedback. Finally, I think it’s important that we talk together about a possible Plan B if your decision doesn’t go the way you want.”

they asked Bill how they could help Max see that it would be in his best interest to stay put. Bill recommended to Max’s parents that they tell him he would ultimately make the decision himself and that they would do everything possible to help him make a good decision, including offering their best advice.

If they’re not having it—if they’re seemingly put out

by your collaborative problem-solving approach, suggest going back to a more autocratic system of consequences. “Okay,” you might say, “we don’t need to work through this together. You can just lose the car for three days as a consequence.” We bet you anything they’ll concede to talk it through instead.

Teenagers are the closest to legal age, and they are the ones who most need to hear this message: “I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about y...

“Last week my fifteen-year-old daughter was at a party where the kids were drinking. She drank too much, passed out, and got

the floor. She clearly doesn’t make good decisions. I don’t see how I can say to her, ‘Honey I want you to decide for yourself’ when she used such poor judgment.” Let’s consider the options. First, you could conclude that your daughter isn’t capable of making good decisions and needs to be more closely supervised and that you need to step in until she shows better judgment. This generally doesn’t go well, in part because unless you hire a private investigator, you can’t really know if your daughter is doing things she’s not supposed to do. It’s very difficult to monitor teenagers 24/7. So while we strongly support letting your daughter know that she won’t be going to a party for the next month or so, we suggest that you express confidence

in her ability to learn from her experience. Share your concerns about her safety and give her an article or ask her to watch a YouTube video about what binge drinking does to a developing brain. Remind her that you can’t protect her from the many dangerous things in life. Tell her you will always be willing to pick her up from a party or to send her home in a cab or an Uber if she feels pressured to do things she doesn’t want to do, but avoid giving her the message that she can’t be trusted because she used poor judgment that ...

to continually make poor decisions? Believe it or not, this is rare. We only want kids to make informed decisions and will override a child’s decision if it seems crazy. But if your child is repeatedly making the same bad decision, then it’s even more important that they practice exercising judgment—with your help—so they can get better. If frequent chemical use is a problem, remember, all bets are off and you need to intervene. For most judgment lapses, though, we suggest asking Dr. Phil’s question, “How’d that work for you?” and dis...

reins, I’m letting her get away with it and she’ll learn ...

But understanding where she’s coming from, addressing her concerns, and compromising if possible is a healthy approach.

least one extracurricular activity. Let’s brainstorm about what that might be.”

“What about kids who won’t listen to reason when we discuss pros and cons?” Again, we want kids to make informed decisions that aren’t crazy. If children will not consider the relevant information, we don’t support letting them make the decision.

sandals on a rainy day. Overall, try to remember that negotiating is a great thing for your kid to know how to do. You want him to learn to advocate for himself and to practice those skills for the real world. If he’s never able to “win” with

his parents, he’ll internalize that message. He may be more apt to sneak, lie, or cheat to get what he wants, or to give up pushing back on authority altogether, believing that he has no voice. To improve your legitimacy, you have to show your child that he is being heard. So give him credit for making good arguments, by sometimes changing your position so that he knows that a well-thought-out argument is in fact a worthwhile pursuit.

Also feel free to say, “You know, I love what a great negotiator you are. Some people get paid a lot to do what you do so naturally. But sometimes it’s exhausting for me, and it’s...

when there’s a lot going on. I’d be grateful if when I need you to, you could go with the flow, without the need for a discussion. If you can do that, it will help the morning run more smoothly a...

What to Do Tonight Tell your child, “You’re the expert on you. Nobody really knows you better than you know yourself, because nobody really knows what it feels like to be you.” Give your child a choice about something you may have previously decided for her. Or ask her opinion about something. (If they’re young, you can frame it as...

problem solve together about what chores need to be done and who should do them. Give them options. Could they walk the dog instead of doing the dinner dishes? Take out the trash instead of cleaning the toilet? Do they want to do it each Sunday or each Wednesday? Morning or night? Keep a consistent schedule, but let them choose that schedule. Make a list of things your child would like to be in charge of, and make a plan to shift responsibility for some of these things from you to him or her. Ask your child whether something in his life isn’t working for him (his homework routine, bedtime, management of electronics) and if he has any ideas about how to make it work better. Do a cost-benefit analysis ...

to learn and grow from them. Have a talk in which you point out that your kid has got a good mind. Recall some times when he’s made a good decision or felt strongly about something and turned out to be right. If he’ll let you, make a list together of the things he’s decided for himself that have worked well. Tell your teen you want him to have lots of practice running his own life before he goes off to college—and that you want to see that he can run his life without running it into the ground before he goes away. Emphasize logical and natural cons...

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