The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

False Assumption 1: There is a narrow path to success and God forbid our child should fall off it. The stakes are thus too high to let them make decisions for themselves. This argument hinges on an assumption of scarcity, one that says that for young people to be successful, they must be competitive at all times—whatever the price. False Assumption 2: It is critical to do well in school if you want to do well in life. There will be some winners and many losers. It is Yale or McDonald’s. As a result, too many kids are either driven manically or have given up trying. False Assumption 3: Pushing more will lead our children to becoming more accomplished and more successful adults. Our sixth graders aren’t scoring as well as sixth graders in China? Okay, let’s teach them ninth grade math. College admission is getting tougher than ever? Yikes, let’s pack our kids’ schedules so they’ll learn and do more. False Assumption 4: The world is more dangerous than ever before. We have to supervise our kids constantly to make sure they don’t get hurt or make bad decisions.

What to Do Tonight Make a list of the things your child has control over. Is there anything you can add to that list? Ask your child if there are things he feels he’d like to be in charge of that he currently isn’t. Consider your language around making plans. Do you say, “Today we’re going to do this and then this,” or do you offer choices? Tell your kids (if they’re ten or older) something like this: “I just read something really interesting—that there are four things about life that make it stressful: new situations, situations that are unpredictable, situations where you feel you could be hurt, criticized, or embarrassed, and situations where you don’t feel you can control what’s happening. It’s interesting, because in my job I get most stressed when I feel I’m expected to make something happen but I can’t control everything that is necessary to make it happen. Are there things that make you stressed?” By identifying stress in your own life and talking about it, you are modeling stress awareness—a critical step in curbing the effects of stress. As the saying goes, “You’ve got to name it to tame it.” If your kid seems to be really anxious, talk to your pediatrician about it. Determine whether some kind of professional intervention is necessary. Research suggests that treating anxiety early significantly lowers the risk of recurring problems. You can let your worried child know that she’s safe, that you’re there for her, but don’t reassure her excessively. Let her know th...

Think about what good consultants do in the business world: They ask what the problems are and which ones are most important. They ask what their clients are willing to commit to or sacrifice in order to reach a desired goal. They give advice, but they do not try to force their client to change, because they recognize that ultimately it’s the client’s responsibility.

“Do you need help with any of your work? Do you have a plan? Have you got it?”

“You are the expert on you.” “You have a brain in your head.” “You want your life to work.”

can’t in good conscience let you make that decision. It doesn’t feel right” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

“Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.”

“I trust you to make a good decision, and this will ultimately be your call, but I want to be sure you make the best decision possible, so I’d like to help you think through the pros and cons of either option. I also want you to talk to people who have more experience and to get their feedback. Finally, I think it’s important that we talk together about a possible Plan B if your decision doesn’t go the way you want.”

Some additional strategies for igniting the saboteur include: Frequent exercise. Even short bursts of exercise can activate the brain enough to get started on something, in part by increasing dopamine in the prefrontal cortex. Physical activity is physically activating. Social support. Finding an older kid to serve as a homework coach, or helping your child join a study group of mildly more academic peers, can help his focus. For adolescents, we’re particularly gung ho about peer-to-peer support, because teens are developmentally wired to be attuned to their cohorts. Research has also shown that kids often learn better from other kids than they do from adults, and that when a homework coach is an older kid, the one being tutored has a dopamine spike.14 Another argument for outsourcing: if you have a tendency to be controlling, or even if you aren’t but your child perceives that you are, his saboteur instincts will kick in. Stimulation. Some saboteurs need music in the background to help them accomplish tasks that they’d otherwise avoid. Music can serve as white noise and block out distraction. It can make a boring activity less so. And it can ease anxiety. For others, quiet is better. Your saboteur may have to experiment a bit to see which suits him. There’s also recent evidence that chewing gum can improve activation, processing speed, and work production.15 A healthy, high-protein diet and enough rest. (You’ve heard this a zillion times so we won’t belabor the point. But...

If they don’t feel they have an area of obvious strength, they should ask, “What can I do at least as well as most people?” This can then lead to other bigger questions like, “What might be my purpose? What do I need help with? How can I get myself to do what I want and/or need to do?” It’s at the intersection of interest, talent, and self-awareness that kids are able to find a sense of direction. What they find in their youth may not be the area they ultimately develop, but it’s an important step.

The factors that best predicted well-being were those more intrinsic to the college experience itself, such as: 1) having a professor who showed personal interest in them, stimulated them to learn, and encouraged them; 2) having an internship or job in college that allowed them to apply what they were learning; and 3) being actively involved in extracurricular activities or projects that took a semester or more to complete.

downtime that activates the default mode network is absolutely critical for a healthy brain.3 Every time we blink, our default mode network activates and our conscious networks take a brief rest. Even simply closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and exhaling can help refresh the brain. When your default mode network is active, you think about yourself, about your past and future, and about problems that need to be resolved, all of which are crucial for developing a sense of self. You consider the experiences and feelings of other people, a process that is important for the development of empathy. The default mode network is where the all-important work of personal reflection takes place. It’s what makes you a thoughtful human being. It allows you to organize your thoughts. It grounds you.

Emotional control is dramatically impaired by sleep deprivation. If you don’t sleep enough, your amygdala becomes more reactive in response to emotionally charged events, mimicking the brain activity of people suffering from anxiety disorders.6

Game designer, speaker, and writer Jane McGonigal, an unabashed advocate, argues that people who game extensively develop four useful characteristics: 1) urgent optimism—the desire to act immediately to tackle an obstacle, accompanied by the conviction that they can be successful; 2) enhanced sociability—research suggests that we like people better after we play a game with them, even if they’ve won, because playing a game together builds trust; 3) blissful productivity—we’re happier working hard to win than we are relaxing or goofing around; and 4) epic meaning—gamers love to be attached to awe-inspiring missions. These four superpowers, says McGonigal, result in “superempowered hopeful individuals.”12 Just imagine what we could accomplish if we could channel this energy for the good of the planet.

1. Screen time is an independent risk factor for many of the things we don’t want for our kids—or for ourselves. The research of Larry Rosen and his colleagues has shown that time in front of a screen is positively correlated with increases in 1) physical health problems, 2) mental health problems, 3) attention problems, and 4) behavior problems.19 Similarly, in her troubling recent article, “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” Jean Twenge (whose research we discussed in Chapter One) argues that smartphones and social media are making the current generation of children, teens, and young adults “seriously unhappy.” Her research suggests that despite their constant connections through media, contemporary young people increasingly feel lonely, tired, and left out.

You have to model responsible use of technology. Talk to your kids about the universal struggle to regulate technology use, including your own. Offer tips that have worked for you or other people you know. Give your kids permission to call you out when you check your phone when they’re trying to talk to you. Apologize. Show them you’re working on it. When a friend of ours was on vacation with her family, she gave her phone to her husband to stash out of sight. She knew if she had access to it, she’d be too inclined to check her e-mail, taking her out of the moments she wanted to focus on her family.