The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

The common denominator in all emotional pain is a desire to change current reality (“I need my child to do better in school, to do better socially, to be less anxious, to eat more [or less, or better], to not be so addicted to video games and social media,” et cetera). In their book Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress, Gary Emery and James Campbell recommended that we teach ourselves to make peace with reality by first honestly accepting it for what it is.17 They advocate a formula known as ACT: Accept, Choose, Take Action. In the context of your kids it might look like this: I Accept the idea that my kid is underachieving/doesn’t have friends/can’t read, and I see this as part of his path. I Choose to create a vision of myself as a calm, compassionate parent who has a supportive relationship with my son. I will Take action by offering to help, focusing on his strengths, setting limits where necessary, and modeling acceptance and self-care. I will also seek help from others if my child needs assistance with reading, math, or any area where a third party can help him more than I am able to. Acceptance does not mean approving, condoning, or letting yourself be abused. It simply means acknowledging reality as it is rather than internally railing against it or denying it entirely. Accepting reality is the only alternative to counterproductive ideas like “I know how the world/my son/my daughter is supposed to be (and this ain’t it).”