The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

Finally, relatedness refers to the feeling of being connected to others, of being cared about. When your child feels connected to his teacher, he’ll want to work hard for that teacher. When Ned asks the students he coaches what their favorite class was the previous year in school, he always follows up their answer with another question: “Was it the class or the teacher?” At least half the time, the answer is, “It was the teacher. She was really great.” Likewise, when your child feels connected to you, when you communicate unconditional love and he tells himself, “My parents care more about me than about my grades,” then it is more likely that your child will internalize your values. Self-determination theory calls this “integrated regulation.” It is a child’s identification with the values and goals of the people who care for him and love him unconditionally.