The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

The difference in attitude and performance of these two kids was not a matter of brain maturation or emotional maturity (she was eight and he was nineteen), and while ADHD is what brought them to my office, that diagnosis is beside the point here. The real issue was the internalized sense of who’s responsible for what. The girl accurately saw her homework as her responsibility and willingly did it, further strengthening her sense of mastery and autonomy. Throughout his life the boy saw homework as something that was being forced on him and that he didn’t need to think about because someone eventually would get on him about it. This mindset didn’t translate into college success. He had a very low sense of control regarding his own academic life, accompanied by a lot of anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and emerging depression. He did get back on track eventually. But it took time and a break from school until he determined that he was ready to try again.