The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

Some parents who are familiar with research on brain development say, “How could I possibly trust my kid to be responsible for his education? His brain isn’t mature yet.” This is true at some level—his sense of judgment is still developing. But that’s just it: he needs room to develop. Kids need responsibility more than they deserve it. For most adolescents, and even for younger kids, waiting until they are mature enough to get all their homework done and to turn it in on time before giving up the enforcer role means you’ve waited too long. As we mentioned, the parts of the prefrontal cortex that regulate emotions don’t mature until you reach your early thirties, but we’d be hard pressed to find a parent who would want to wait that long to let their “kids” make their own decisions. The brain develops according to how it’s used. By giving your child the opportunity to make decisions for herself while still young, you will help her brain build the circuits that are necessary for resilience in the face of stress. A small experience of control over her circumstances, such as choosing her own clothing or decorating her own room, will activate her prefrontal cortex and condition it to respond effectively.3 Strengthened by this sense of control, the brain’s Pilot grows stronger, rather than ceding power to the Lion Fighter at the first hint of stress. By giving your five-year-old the ability to wear clashing clothes if she chooses, you will be helping her to cope better in every ...