On the Way to You

by Kandi Steiner

“Life isn’t supposed to be safe,” she added with a laugh. “If it was, they wouldn’t call it living. They’d just call it existing. And you’ve existed long enough, baby girl. It’s time to live.”

I was giving myself to a boy who never promised to keep me, pretending I didn’t need that affirmation, that I was okay.

It isn’t death that’s scary. It’s living without actually living at all, breathing without purpose, existing without essence.

I felt a connection to you that I’ve never felt before in my entire life. It was kismet, it was a soul awakening. It was the first day of my life.”

“I fell in love with you. I fell in love with every dark shadow, with every scar, every flaw, every smile and every scowl. Your journal had nothing to do with that. I fell in love with you.”

“Stay. Stay with me. Live with me.”

Looking back on the man I was when I met her is like trying to remember a dream that fled in the morning light. When I was him, he was crystal clear. I understood him. I knew how he worked. Now, he seems pixelated and dark, the memory of him unclear, the man I’ve become nowhere near the one who once existed.