On the Way to You

by Kandi Steiner

He asked me what made me happy, but that’s not what he really asked. What he really asked was — are you happy?

My mind raced as I allowed my body to fall back into the motions, checking on customers and delivering orders, cashing out and calling out greetings and farewells as people came and went. It was the first time in my life that it bothered me — the fact that they were coming and going, and I was staying. I was always staying.

I think I knew, even then, that the greatest adventure of my life was about to begin.

“I was dying in that town,” I finally said, my voice low. I wondered if he could hear me over the wind. “And I don’t want to die before I’ve even had the chance to live.”

“I don’t know. I want someone I can laugh with, and go on adventures with. Someone who will challenge me to be better but also support me when I’m weak. I want someone who shares their deepest fears with me, shows me their scars willingly — someone who trusts me to heal them, just as I trust them.” I bit my lip. “And I want to feel a rush every time our skin touches. I want to lose entire afternoons with them under the covers. I want someone who I can’t wait to share good news with, and someone who I know will hold me when the bad news comes.”

“I want that kind of love that leaves you breathless when it hits you, and makes you want to throw up at the thought of losing it. The kind that makes you so happy that it hurts at the same time, like it’s painful to think that out of all the people in the world, you somehow found the one meant for you.” I sighed, tossing my braid back behind me. “But really, I don’t know what I want. Not completely. I’ve never come face to face with it.” I shrugged, lost in my thoughts, in the unknown of it all. “I guess I’ll just know when I find it.”

He kissed me like it was a privilege, like he didn’t want to rush, like we had forever.

“I also realized that none of the rules I’ve set in relationships before you would work anymore. Not with you. I can’t disconnect from you, and I can’t treat this like it’s casual because it’s not. You’re not. And I can’t—“ His voice broke, his eyes shutting tight as he shook his head before they popped back open again. “There are so many things I want to do to you, Cooper.” He said it quietly, like it hurt, like it was ripping him apart from the inside. “Things you’ve never experienced, but I can’t. Because you deserve more than that, more than what I can give you.” He pushed back off the wall, his eyes falling to the floor. “More than me.”

I’d seen that chest naked before, seen him in nothing but a towel after a shower, but it was different this time. This time, he was exposing that chest for me, for my hands, for my lips.

God, the two creases between his brows were enough to kill me in that moment. He was looking at me like his next move would kill me, and maybe it would. But I wanted to die in his arms that night.

“I’m glad you told me.” “I had to,” he said quickly. “Because I told you last night that I would try, Cooper, but you have to understand that sometimes trying for me isn’t going to be enough for you. Sometimes trying, for me, is just…” One hand waved in the air above us. “Existing.”

“I love the way you see life,” Emery said, his eyes on me instead of the sunset. “It’s like nothing has ever disappointed you, like you don’t have a reason to believe it ever would.”

She’s the sun and I’m a black hole. I want to swallow her up and lose myself in her, but if I do, I’ll destroy her.

I didn’t know what it was like to be touched like that, to be devoured, to be tasted like candy and worshipped like a goddess. Even after I was sated, Emery still ran his hands over every inch of my body, feeling and caressing, soothing and teasing, kissing his way back down.

It’s not about me. I knew that, even if it was hard to understand, hard to accept. He wasn’t upset with me, he wasn’t avoiding me or doing anything on purpose to upset me. It was a bad day, a day when he couldn’t give me much, but he asked me for it to be enough, anyway.