On the Way to You

by Kandi Steiner

“I think religion, in any form, is just the result of fear. Fear of dying, fear of being alone. We all want to believe that we’re special, that some man in the sky loves each and every one of us, even with our flaws.” He shrugged. “But the truth is we’re just humans. We’re just animals. And when we die, we become food for the earth and the bugs. The circle of life.”

“Because we’re just a blip on the radar, Cooper. Just like every other animal before us. And no matter how much we take while we’re here, we always have to give it back.”

“And I don’t want to die before I’ve even had the chance to live.”

I was just sifting through everything that sounded awful in my mind and the sheer pointlessness of it all steered me right to that simple truth: I didn’t want to live.

“And for the record, you’re not stupid for having dreams and taking crazy risks just to see if you can make them happen.” He swallowed. “You’re brave. And you’re living. That’s more than most people can say.”

“I don’t know. I want someone I can laugh with, and go on adventures with. Someone who will challenge me to be better but also support me when I’m weak. I want someone who shares their deepest fears with me, shows me their scars willingly — someone who trusts me to heal them, just as I trust them.” I bit my lip. “And I want to feel a rush every time our skin touches. I want to lose entire afternoons with them under the covers. I want someone who I can’t wait to share good news with, and someone who I know will hold me when the bad news comes.”

“I want that kind of love that leaves you breathless when it hits you, and makes you want to throw up at the thought of losing it. The kind that makes you so happy that it hurts at the same time, like it’s painful to think that out of all the people in the world, you somehow found the one meant for you.”

“We think we know the world, but we’re only seeing a tiny second of its journey.”

I realized then that I was finally on my journey, and it may only have been a second for the Earth, but it was time frozen still for me.

“Kalos is a Greek term for astounding beauty, inside and out. I read once that there isn’t an English word that can be used as a synonym, because of the level of beauty the word is said to describe. I liked that, a word that didn’t have an equivalent. I liked that only one culture took the time to give that kind of beauty a name.”

“It’s about growing together. Changing. And figuring life out along the way,”

“Do you think it’s because making a list like that takes something as grand as life and simplifies it? Makes it so… small?”

And in that moment, with that kiss, everything changed.

He kissed me like it was a privilege, like he didn’t want to rush, like we had forever.

“Sometimes, we have to trust the ones we love, the ones who love us, even when it’s hard to do.” Her eyes skirted to my tent, to the journal, before they found mine. “Because even though marriage brings us together as a unit, there are still two individuals who make that whole. And they need to be able to have their own things, their own time, their own privacy.”

You only get to be there for the ride, holding on, showing him you’re not going anywhere. And every now and then, you’ll get to see inside him — really see inside him — and you’ll cherish it. And your love will grow. And you’ll realize why you waited.”

He was looking at me like his next move would kill me, and maybe it would. But I wanted to die in his arms that night.

“I have no doubt, but tonight I’m taking it slow. Tonight,” he repeated, his eyes dark. “I want to give you part of the fairytale, even if it’s just this.”

“No, that’s just what I ask people. I feel like the first thing everyone asks when you meet is, ‘What do you do?’ I’ve always hated that, like a job defines us. So, I ask what makes people happy.” His shoulders lifted a little. “That tells me more about a person than what they do to make money.”

I just stood behind him and rubbed his shoulders while he told everyone at the tables that I was his lucky penny.

We were all strangers, but we shared that sunset together, that punctuation mark on yet another day, each of us hanging on to the sun’s whispered promise that it would return again tomorrow.

A moment. Frozen in time. A boy and a girl. A beach and a kiss. I was beginning to measure my new beginning with those little snapshots of time, filing them away in a mental scrapbook for safe keeping.

Somewhere along the way, Emery’s hand found my thigh, and it rested there as we drove, a silent promise that even though he wasn’t talking that day, he was still there. He was still with me.

It was like that kiss brought him back to life, back to me, and he groaned into it, his hands fisting at my back and pulling me closer. I need you, that kiss told me, and I deepened it, letting him know I needed him, too.

The longing in his eyes as he stared down at me, admiring for a moment before he lowered his mouth to mine again, it was enough to undo me. It was enough to make me wish to stay in that moment, in that room with him, forever.

You’re the first person to make me feel alive, Cooper. In a long time.” He shrugged. “Maybe ever.”

“I think when we let go of the materialistic shit we think we need, the stuff we grew up looking for because we thought happiness existed under their price tag, that’s when we start living a better life. A free, meaningful existence.”

It isn’t death that’s scary. It’s living without actually living at all, breathing without purpose, existing without essence.

All I can tell you is that I’m sorry, that I never meant to hurt you, and that when I met you, before I even got in your car, I felt a connection to you that I’ve never felt before in my entire life. It was kismet, it was a soul awakening. It was the first day of my life.”

It feels like every moment before you pulled into that diner parking lot was practice. I practiced breathing, practiced laughing, practiced existing in every moment on the way to you so that when you found me, I’d know how to live.”

“Living is hard, it’s the more difficult choice, but I can’t not choose it,”

I watched the sun rise over these canyons and I knew it wasn’t the sun rising on my last day, because I wanted more sun rises. With you.”

His thumbs brushed my jaw, eyes searching mine, and in that moment, we were alive. We were a boy and a girl, seemingly so opposite yet more alike than we even knew, standing together at the end of a journey neither of us ever saw coming, an adventure we never could have prepared for.