On the Way to You

by Kandi Steiner

What if there is no answer? What if I am just not a happy person. Period. The end.

I didn’t want to live.

I

didn’t feel a single damn thing. I didn’t feel sad, or angry, or scared. I didn’t feel relief, either. I didn’t wonder what people would say or do when they found me. I didn’t think about how it would break my mom’s heart. I should have thought all of those things, but I didn’t. The last thing I remember thinking was that living was exhausting.

“Things you’ve never experienced, but I can’t. Because you deserve more than that, more than what I can give you.” He pushed back off the wall, his eyes falling to the floor. “More than me.”

“I think when we let go of the materialistic shit we think we need, the stuff we grew up looking for because we thought happiness existed under their price tag, that’s when we start living a better life. A free, meaningful existence.”

It isn’t death that’s scary. It’s living without actually living at all, breathing without purpose, existing without essence.

Soon, it will all be over, and I won’t have to apologize for how I feel, or explain why I feel it. I’ll walk into Death’s arms willingly with a smile on my face, and that cold embrace will be the warmest I’ve ever been. I’m not scared. I never have been.