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The avatar held out a hand and waggled it side to side. “So-so, Joe. I, ugh,” the avatar wrinkled its nose. “Whew! Did you monkeys do laundry at all while I was gone? Damn, it smells like a landfill in here.”
“I can’t do most of what makes Skippy the Magnificent so, you know, magnificent.” “So you’re what now, Skippy the Meh?”
Theoretically. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, my thinking process is not working at its best right now.” “Oh, great.” “Hey, I’m still way smarter than your entire species combined.”
My blood ran cold. “Ohhhhhh, crap. Ok, you better tell me about it anyway.” “Joe, you know how in the past, I have said you are very much not going to like something?” “Yeah?” “You are going to totally freakin’ hate this.”
The clock is ticking down to Zero Hour for me. So,” his avatar let out a long breath. “That’s the full truth of it right there. I’m facing certain death, and I need the Merry Band of Pirates to pull me out of this mess.”
On the way back to my cabin for the shower I still needed, I passed by Adams who was picking up the last of her clothing off the floor of the passageway. “Sergeant?” “Yes, Sir?” “You take care of those panties. They just saved our lives.” “Yes, Sir,” she laughed.
“A sock?” Skippy asked, surprised. “Hmmm, they did loop a necktie over the handle, I thought that was the paratrooper being too lazy to carry it back to his cabin. Under my direction, one of my maintenance bots just picked up the necktie and is bringing it to be clean-” “Skippy, come on, bring it back.” “Doing that now, Joe. Wow, have I been screwing things up for a while? I had no idea hanging a sock over a door handle meant something to you humans. Your secret informal communications methods can be way too freakin’ complicated.”
“Hoo boy, I don’t need you to tell me that, Joe, because Nagatha reminds me every two freakin’ nanoseconds. She’s all like ‘you should be nicer to the monkeys’ or ‘this was all your fault so you should take responsibility for fixing this mess’.” “You disagree with her?” “No,” he grumbled miserably. “I do know our current situation is all my fault. That doesn’t mean I enjoy. Being. Nagged. To. Death. About it.” “If it makes you feel any better, the idea of her constantly nagging you is a great source of joy to me.” “That does not make me feel better, Joe.” “Suck it up, Buttercup.”
“Uh, I get it. Your full awesomeness is too great to be contained in the tiny space available to you now?” I said with sarcasm I was confident Skippy wouldn’t recognize. And, he didn’t. “Exactly, Joe! Truly, this entire universe is too small to contain my awesomeness, but, I do what I can.”
“You’re the grunt?” I asked, surprised. “Joe, I know you still like to think of yourself as a boots-on-the-ground guy, but you are now the asshole senior officer who sits safely behind a desk, while your people risk their lives trying to carry out whatever idiotic plan you slapped together.”
I would say the most special and unique element of your star system is that it is home to a species of grubby monkeys who have been totally kicking ass out here. All the other stars in the galaxy are burning with jealousy, Joe.” “I thought they were burning hydrogen.” “Oh for-” he sighed in exasperation. “I try to give you a compliment, and you-”
The Wurgalan were referred to as ‘octopussies’ by humans, just as humans had nicknamed the Ruhar ‘hamsters’ and the Kristang ‘lizards’. The Wurgalan were not octopi any more than the Kristang were lizards, but military tradition demanded enemies to be given a derisive name, so ‘octopussies’ was an obvious and universally accepted choice.
What she decided to do, she considered as she allowed herself a tight smile, was worthy of a Bishop Award for ‘Craziest Idea Dreamed Up Out Of Nothing’.
“Setup? No, Sir. I only meant this is the first major combat operation we’ve been involved with that went almost exactly according to plan. I keep thinking Lady Fortune will get us back for that favor someday.”
“I am not bursting with confidence either, Joe. Crap. Well, thanks a lot. You really ruined my freakin’ day, Mister Buzzkill.”
"That should be our motto," Chotek said sourly. "Something to the effect of 'Plan B is our Plan A'."
However, I do agree that a strong love for doing crazy shit seems to be a prerequisite for being part of this crew.
“We had a star carrier. Then a bunch of monkeys stole it, took it for a joyride to get bananas, stripped it of everything useful and left it up on blocks behind a dumpster in a bad part of town.
“Physics hates you, Joe. You have screwed with laws of physics too often, like shooting a maser through a microwormhole, or landing dropships from orbit on a yoyo string. By now, physics must be totally humiliated at being messed with by a filthy monkey.”
“Yes we do,” Skippy interjected with a sigh. “But we aren’t always as smart,” he added with a disgusted grumble. “Joe, your so-called genius comes from the fact that you are too stupid to know what questions not to ask.”
“Wow. Joe, if that was your idea of flattery to boost my self-confidence, you need to work on your sucking-up skills. No, I can’t do the impossible, dumdum. Damn, if you knew anything about the subject, you wouldn’t-” I could tell Skippy was winding up to a full-scale rant that we did not have time for, so I was about to stop him, when he interrupted himself. “Hmmm. Um, let me think. Crap, that kind of math doesn’t exist for me to even do the analysis. Which is not surprising, because no one in the history of the galaxy has asked such a lunatic question. Huh. Well, attempting to create the
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“Is this hold-my-beer type of stupid?” I asked hopefully. “Joe, this is like rednecks-on-meth stupid. This is stupid on the level of a buck-naked Florida redneck crashing his stolen truck into a police station to complain that the meth he bought isn’t, you know, methy enough. Wow, if this works, I will be cool to, like, the infinity power.
Joe, your personal motto should be: ‘Trust the Ignorance’.
“Give me a break, Joe. No one has ever done this before. I, damn it, I hate to admit this. The truth is, I am not sure I am smart enough to do this math. This type of math didn’t even exist until like ten seconds ago.”
“What happens if this doesn’t work?” “Let’s put it this way, Joe: the resulting explosion of our jump drive and the Elder wormhole will make a supernova look like a firecracker.” “Uh, maybe we should try something else,”
“Oops. Huh. Oh boy, I screwed up some of the math. Wow. That was embarrassing,” Skippy chuckled nervously. “How can I- nope, too late for me to fix all that now. Ugh. Oh, what the hell. I’ll just have to wing it.” “This is a bad idea, Skippy. Don’t-” “Joe?” “Yeah?” “Hold my beer.”
Joe, I said before that the laws of physics hate you. Now they really hate you; they took out a hit on you. If you ever run into a guy named Vinny ‘Big Knuckles’ Sarducci, you should run.”
Man, if the Thuranin who designed and built this ship could see how much abuse it has taken, they would be amazed it is still in one piece and mostly functional. They would also hate you with an all-consuming passion.”
“And now the humans are laughing at you, dear? Tsk, tsk,” Nagatha feigned sadness. For a sweet lady, she had a streak of iron inside her. “Well, when you call the crew monkeys and then give them a reason to laugh at you, I suppose there is a valuable lesson we can all learn,” she said in her best schoolteacher voice. “What’s that?” Skippy sounded thoroughly miserable. “Payback is a bitch, dear.”
“Yes, but those were always long odds against the survival of filthy monkeys. This time it’s about the odds against my survival. I never thought that would happen. And, shit, you know what?” “What?” “I find that I am more concerned about letting down a troop of helpless monkeys, than I am about myself.”
“You don’t want to talk with me now? You’re my best friend, Joe. The first friend I ever had,” he broke down sobbing. “I love you, man.” Oh, damn it, this wasn’t going to stop. Giving in to the inevitable, I swung my feet out of bed and stumbled bleary-eyed to the shower. “I love you too, Skippy. Give me a couple minutes in the shower so I can wake up, Ok? Then we can talk about the, uh, universe thing.”
“Hey, unless we find a conduit, and I can use it, our odds of survival are zero, Joe. Zee-roh,” he repeated for emphasis. “So twenty percent is a big improvement. Besides, the Merry Band of Pirates has faced worse odds before, and succeeded. It’s what you do. I don’t know how you do it; drives me freakin’ crazy. But you do it somehow.”
“I call this star system ‘Hotel California’,” Skippy explained. “You know, you can check out, but you can never leave?” He chuckled at his own joke. “Hotel California?” Sergeant Adams scoffed. “With Maxolhx and Thuranin ships trapped there, we should call it the ‘Roach Motel’. Roaches check in-”
“Joe, please. We are the Merry Band of Pirates. The odds that everything will go right are somewhere between ‘you’ve got to be joking’ and ‘fuggedaboutit’. When you make a plan, the universe chuckles and rubs its hands with delight, because it has another golden opportunity to screw with you.”
“Joe,” he sighed, “is it possible for you to get any dumber?” “You want me to try?”
“For realz. Got it,” he replied soberly, without the usual snarkiness in his tone. “Joe, our friendship means more to me than I can say. If I am able to keep a promise to you, I will.”
“I know you will, Joe. What I’m worried about is karma will take this opportunity to bitch-slap you into another dimension. Oh, crap, what the hell. It’s not like we have a choice, right?”
You know, when you think about it, we are probably screwed, but I shaped a jump field bubble that protected us from reactors and drive capacitors exploding practically right on top of us. Nobody has ever done that before! I impressed even myself with that one. Who da man, huh? Me! I’m da man! Damn, I am still awesome.”
“Why do you always look on the negative side of things, Joe?” “Because of my experience with you?” “That is a good point,” he admitted.
“You’re not alone, Skippy, you have the Merry Band of Pirates with you.” “Oh, great. My best ally is a barrel of monkeys. Somebody, please, shoot me now.”
“Joe?” “Yeah?” “You know me better than anyone aboard this ship. Better than anyone in this universe, which shows just how pathetic my life is. Considering how well you know me, what are the odds of me learning a lesson?” “Zero?” I guessed, hoping I was wrong.
“Skippy? Hello? Crap, don’t go silent on me again, I couldn’t take it if you-” “I’m here, Joe. You just blew my mind. Listen, Joe, this is not the way it is supposed to work. You are supposed to say incredibly, laughably ignorant things, and I pompously mock your stupidity. You going off script like that screws everything up.
Homeboy? When Skippy said it, somehow it didn’t sound right. It was like the Queen of England opening a speech from Buckingham Palace with ‘What up, my bitches?’.
NowI kinda want to hear the Queen say it
“I did tell him that, yes. I told him what he wanted to hear.” “Ah! You are a clever monkey, Joe. And devious,” he chuckled. “Once again, I am grateful you are on my side.” Holding out a fist with one hand, I gave him a thumbs up with the other. His avatar gave me a fist bump. “You and me, Skippy. Together, we can get into a whole lot of mischief out here.” “Oh, yes. Now, get your monkey butt moving,
“Duct tape and moondust, Skippy?” I asked with a wink to Adams and Simms. “Uh, no. This would be more like junkyard and a miracle, Joe. Do not get your stupid monkey hopes up.
What I can say, is, surprisingly I do think it might be possible to cobble together enough bits and pieces to construct a working starship. It would take many months, maybe more than a year, and the resulting ship would be a horrific Frankenstein monster; a true engineering nightmare. But it might, might, be possible.”
The sky below us is a mix of patchy clouds, which could mean the stealth field is concealing a Category Five hurricane down there; remain in your seats with harnesses securely fastened. In the pouch beneath each seat is a plastic bag, and that bag is not there for your shopping convenience at the Gingerbread gift shop. If we hit turbulence and you feel like you’re going to hurl, use the bag. Someone with the same name as you will be cleaning up the mess if you miss the bag, so take care to aim well.” There was a pause, then the pilot thought of something else important to say. “We know you
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“Joe,” Skippy sighed while everyone else laughed, “did your mother drop you on the head as a child?” “Nope, Skippy, I’m just like this.” “I weep for your species.”
“That’s too much work,” I declared. “Let’s set up the shelter on the flat ground between those two trees,” I pointed about twenty feet away. “UN-believable!” Adams shouted and stomped off in disgust. “Women,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Good idea, Sir,” Williams agreed. “The trees will provide shade from the afternoon sun.” He held out a fist. “We showed that rock who’s boss, huh?”
