The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism

by Naoki Higashida

My body’s always moving about. I just can’t stay still. When I’m not moving, it feels as if my soul is detaching itself from my body, and this makes me so jumpy and scared that I can’t stay where I am. I’m always on the lookout for an exit. But even though I’m forever wanting to be someplace else, I can never actually find my way there. I’m always struggling inside my own body, and staying still really hammers it home that I’m trapped here. But as long as I’m in a state of motion, I’m able to relax a little bit. Everyone tells people with autism, “Calm down, stop fidgeting, stay still,” when we’re busy moving around. But because I feel so much more relaxed when I am moving, it took me quite a while to work out exactly what their “calm down” even meant. Finally, I’ve come to understand that there are times when I’m not supposed to be moving about. The only way we can learn to do this is by practicing, a little at a time.