Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

being repulsive across all areas of life.” - K.B. At its root, being nice is about being liked, which in itself is not a bad thing. It’s actually the most natural desire in the world. Let’s say your friend was about to introduce you to someone at a party, and you could choose between these two options: Option A: That new person likes you. Option B: That new person doesn’t like you. Which one would you pick? Exactly. But the problem with nice is that it takes a normal human desire and turns it into an absolute necessity. It turns a preference into a serious attachment that we obsess over, as if somehow we won’t be OK if this person is upset with us, or bored by us, or in any way not super excited about us. By deeming disapproval as threatening and unacceptable, our minds start avoiding it at all costs. We begin running dozens, or even hundreds, of subtle social patterns that are all designed to minimize disapproval, and possibly garner positive attention. These include hesitating, over-thinking what we will say next, not interrupting, excessively smiling or nodding, being too quick to laugh, agreeing when we don’t really agree, holding back, not speaking up in groups, avoiding eye contact, hiding parts of ourselves, lying to fit in, name dropping, trying too hard to impress, and many others. These patterns drain your social power and make you feel less comfortable and free around others. They result in people taking you less seriously and being less attracted to you. They c...