Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct, honest, and truthful. It’s saying what you really think, expressing how you really feel, and sharing what’s true for you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see and know the real you, which allows you to really feel love and connection.

Mom gets mad when I resist her and say no; therefore, saying no is bad. Dad gets upset when I disagree with him; therefore, disagreeing with others is bad.

That’s exactly what Over-Responsibility does to us. It makes us feel completely responsible for everyone else’s feelings, with a strong compulsion to make sure everyone feels happy, relaxed, content, and generally good in all scenarios. This might sound impossible and problematic. It is. It becomes even more so as you interact with more and more people, whether it be in business, your love life, or socially.

The poor omega wolf tried to get close and he was chased off, for no reason, other than to communicate: Not yet. You don’t eat until I say you can eat. Got it?

I speak my mind, share my perspective, bring up things that are bothering me, and ask for what I want. I’m more aware of my own needs and I find ways to prioritize taking care of myself, even though we have two small children. And in spite all of this assertiveness, which in the past I would have thought of as “mean,” “pushy,” or even “selfish,”3 we have a truly extraordinary relationship filled with love, sweetness, passion, growth, and mutual support.

Imagine you are completely free of worrying about what anyone thinks of you. You are completely relaxed, comfortable, and confident in yourself no matter what… What would you do? Take two minutes now to really think about that. Now, let’s turn some of those images and ideas into a quick list. Just write out a list of things you might do if you had no fear, no guilt, and no doubt in yourself.

“If I had no fear, guilt, or doubt, I would…”

If I noticed sadness, frustration, anger, tension, disappointment, or any other painful feeling in them, I would instantly feel obligated to help them alleviate it. I might even instantly conclude that their discomfort was due to me. And I certainly didn’t want to do anything that might contribute even more to their negative feelings. So, I became a master at accommodating others. I sensed (or imagined) their underlying feelings and desires and did my best to fulfill them, even before they could ask.

It’s good to discover what I want It’s good to ask for what I want. It’s good to say what I want. It’s good to say what I don’t want. It’s good to be able to put myself first.

If you would like to gain more practice to master this simple technique, go to NotNiceBook.com. There you will find an audio recording where I guide you through this process in real time so you can gain practice and confidence using it. I recommend using this audio once per day for twenty days, which will be enough time to help you completely upgrade the way you relate to yourself and your feelings. It will also profoundly shift how responsible you feel for others and increase your own sense of power, ease, and freedom to just be yourself.

Jeff: Wow, you want that position so bad. I had no idea you were so selfish and competitive. David: Ha, yeah, it’s true. I really want that position. Jeff: Yeah, so do we. But we still care about each other. You obviously just care about yourself. David: I wouldn’t say I don’t care about you guys at all. Just in the case of this fellowship, I would prefer that I have it, instead of you. Jeff: That’s so selfish of you. David: You don’t know the half of it! That’s just the tip of the iceberg of all the ways I can want things for myself. Jeff: That makes you a bad friend. David: I know I’m not perfect, and I’m sure there are ways I can improve as a friend. But I don’t think applying for a highly desired position and rooting

I’d suggest taking some time away from other people, your phone, your TV, or any other distractions. Get a pen and a journal, or perhaps go

for a long walk. As you do, become curious about the parts of yourself that you may have pushed down into the basement long ago. Think about the young child inside of you, your inner three your old, your Id. Remember, this part of you is driven by wanting immediate pleasure, dislikes responsibility, and wants to be taken care of. It hates all the adult responsibilities of relationships, children, work, and other aspects of life. It just wants total freedom and instant gratification. It wants whatever it wants, and it wants it now.

Finally, as you own your shadow more, you will become more powerful because this shadow is a major part of your life force energy. It’s your primal desire. It’s one of your major sources of fuel. Anger, aggression, and sexual energy. These are the deepest and most ingrained motivators in all species on earth. When we disconnect from our shadow, we disconnect from this source of energy and we lose our power. We can’t stand up for ourselves, aren’t seen as sexually desirable by potential partners, and are generally overlooked in life. Others speak over us, dominate us, mock us, and make us feel small. They demand more, take it ungratefully, and then demand even more. And we keep doing it. We keep giving, we keep pleasing, we keep smiling because we’ve cut ourselves off from our own shadow, from our own power, from the very thing that can save us.

The easiest way to get writing is to begin by discussing your feelings from the day. What happened that was exciting or challenging? How do you feel about the events that occurred, and the people you interacted with? As you let this flow, you can begin to ask yourself questions about your current circumstances in general: • What is upsetting to you in your life? • What pressures do you feel? • What demands do others place on you? • What demands do you place on yourself? • What irritates or frustrates you? Starting with these kinds of questions can help