Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

all-consuming the backlash of anxiety and guilt can be after you’ve been more direct, expressive, honest, or assertive.

I would instantly feel responsible for all of her feelings.

This was the elaborate cage I’d created for myself.

Typically, the parent whose love you craved the most had the biggest impact on you—not necessarily the one whose love you received the most, but the one you craved the most.

The more you see that being nice is just a pattern you learned to get love and avoid pain, the more quickly you can recondition yourself and break free.

the love and connection you deeply crave doesn’t come from pleasing others and hiding all your perceived flaws. It actually comes from boldly being yourself, saying what you actually think and feel, and sharing yourself with the world.

You become limited to a box of your own making.

friction is inevitable in all healthy relationships and is a sign of two whole people coming together.

the emotional centers in your brain have more control of your behavior than your intellect.

GUILT BUBBLE

Even as I write this, my heart hurts a little and I cry. This is healthy guilt.

This is the warning light that goes off when I’m out of alignment with my values, with who I want to be as a father. This guilt wakes me up and guides me back on track. This is very different from destructive guilt.

Each of these scenarios involves breaking a rule. If we break certain rules, we feel guilt. Regardless of whether the rule makes sense, is realistic, or we’re consciously aware of it.

hot button for rules. We have so many of them, and they are often all-or-nothing, extreme, conflicting, or distorted.

So much inner policing and control going on. How exhausting.

I realized how much of my stress and guilt was coming from taking too much responsibility for everyone in my life.

It was my job to make sure everyone felt completely comfortable at all times. No missing, no wanting, no frustration. In fact, I needed to anticipate their desires and preemptively satisfy them before they became upset. Because if someone was upset with me for any reason, it was my fault and I was a bad guy who needed to fix it instantly.

capacity doesn’t come online until we’re older,

(as well as hidden resentment).

Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.

needs to feel her anger in order to release it.

Those moments where you feel in harmony, madly in love, and like your life is magnified a thousand-fold by having someone so amazing to share it with. But it also involves disagreement, having hard conversations, and navigating conflict and hurt feelings. Believe it or not, conflict is your doorway to having the life you really want.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell

shedding your excessive niceness and being more authentic actually brings out the best in others as well.

Conflicting rules, as well as rigid or extreme rules, just lead to a perpetual sense of falling short, failing, and guilt.

Amen

I’d be even less flexible with my schedule and say no more, even if that meant losing a client.

I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know more about the subject than I do).

I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes. If they have them, they can express them.

I have the right to feel angry at those I love, and to express it in a responsible manner.