Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

When they’re young, we hammer in the “don’t defy me” message. But then, once they become adults, we want them to go out into the world and be direct, assertive, confident, persistent, bold, outspoken, and a leader who doesn’t take no for an answer. Guess what? After all this conditioning, the vast majority of people are not like that. (Shocking!)

the love and connection you deeply crave doesn’t come from pleasing others and hiding all your perceived flaws. It actually comes from boldly being yourself, saying what you actually think and feel, and sharing yourself with the world.

I decided that one of my primary social goals was not to be intimidated by anyone, no matter how successful.

• The Powerful You gives whatever you have at this very moment. You contribute your gifts fully, with an unfettered boldness and fierce determination. Your best is good enough. And, of course, you’ll always be growing and getting better.

The Powerful You knows that how you feel about yourself determines how much love, success, and happiness you let in. You have a deep, unwavering commitment to be on your own side, no matter what.

This frustrating pattern occurs because the emotional centers in your brain have more control of your behavior than your intellect.

I needed to anticipate their desires and preemptively satisfy them before they became upset. Because if someone was upset with me for any reason, it was my fault and I was a bad guy who needed to fix it instantly.

Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.

If you want to experience a rich, fulfilling, meaningful and significant life, direct contact is required. You must step up and claim your right to be here: Here I am. I am here. I have a right to be here. I belong here. I am me, and I matter. Not because I’m the smartest, or the best, or perfect. Just because. Permission was granted by my birth.

Believe it or not, conflict is your doorway to having the life you really want.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell

The nicer we are, the more powerless we feel, and the more trapped we become in this land of hesitation, self-doubt, and inaction.

being less nice will actually create a more positive impact in your life and in the lives of everyone you touch.

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

you don’t want to experience your own discomfort about another person having strong feelings. It stirs up too much. It pushes your buttons and you don’t like it.

It’s impossible to not have moments of disappointment, hurt, conflict, sadness, and anger. When we believe a relationship should only involve happy, loving feelings, and never include discomfort, we avoid all topics and conversations that are uncomfortable. This keeps relationships superficial, distant, and lacking passion. We keep everyone at a safe distance.

To live in your reality means you own who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you stand for, and what you think and feel in the moment.

We must stop the denial and the pretense that we are just the sweet, not the sour, just the peaceful and never the pissed. When we deny and hide the truth from others, we feel like an imposter, a fraud, and have a deep fear of being discovered for “who we really are.” The more we hide the truth from ourselves, the more guilty, anxious, and even physically injured we become.

What you need to do is acknowledge your shadow and start paying attention to these feelings. You need to carve out time each day to go for a

walk, or to write in a journal. You need to pay attention to your shadow and your Id, and to listen instead of pushing it further down. You need to finally own this part of you, so you can truly feel more alive, happy, and free.

That which we repress doesn’t grow weaker, it grows stronger.

The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it. That’s just how relationships work.

If someone does get upset and then withdraws and turns it into a permanent grudge or hatred of you... look out. That is not someone you want in your life. They have a strong need to feel certain and significant by making others bad and wrong, and are unlikely to meet their needs in more healthy, positive, growth-oriented ways. They’re probably not the optimal person to be in any sort of relationship with.

if I’m really bothered after an interaction, and it lasts for more than a few minutes, that’s a sign of suppression. It means I held myself back, played nice, and didn’t speak my mind. It’s a signal to speak up more and, most likely, be less nice.

Fear unchallenged grows stronger and eventually controls you. Fear faced dissolves as your power grows exponentially.

Ask for what you want. The people around you care and want to support you, even if they complain and fight you on it sometimes. Stand up for yourself and ask for what you need, even if there's some initial friction.

You need to start advocating for yourself and asking for what you want because no one else will. No one is stopping you because you’re not a victim of circumstance. You’re the owner of your life, the captain of your ship, and the mastery of your destiny.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about. Rumi