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Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval.
It’s driven by fear, not virtue.
I discovered that being nice can make us secretly less loving and more burnt out over time as we stray further and f...
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At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want
The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct, honest, and truthful. It’s saying what you really think, expressing how you really feel, and sharing what’s true for you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see and know the real you, which allows you to really feel love and connection.
“I am realizing that when we try to be nice, and try to be liked, we end up being repulsive across all areas of life.” - K.B.
This creates a chronic unease and fear that makes it very hard to relax, let go, enjoy your relationships, feel love, and be in the moment.
Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.
So, we become masters of conflict avoidance. The nicer we are, the better we become at this. And it’s not just conflict. We become skilled at avoiding all forms of argument, disagreement, tension, differing opinions, or upset. Instead of bending over backwards to accommodate people, we become like ultra-flexible yogis who can contort their bodies into strange shapes.
Direct contact means you show up fully, are present with others, look them in the eye, listen to them, share what you think and feel, and have a real connection. It’s the opposite of staying small, avoiding eye contact, and displaying just a small fraction of yourself that you hope will receive their approval.
If you want to experience a rich, fulfilling, meaningful and significant life, direct contact is required. You must step up and claim your right to be here: Here I am. I am here. I have a right to be here. I belong here. I am me, and I matter. Not because I’m the smartest, or the best, or perfect. Just because. Permission was granted by my birth.
If someone speaks their mind firmly and strongly, do you tend to step aside and let them take the floor? Do you hesitate and avoid speaking up in groups? Are you nervous or hesitant in settings where there are authorities, bosses, or the “executive team”?
We often smile and laugh to send the social signal: I like you. Please like me.
Eventually, you may have concluded unconsciously that saying what you want, or advocating for it strongly, was bad. Maybe it’s better to be quiet, compliant, and pleasing. To not push so hard. To be nice.
From these early conclusions, you formed negative beliefs about desire and what you want. These may take the form of stories or beliefs such as the following: It’s bad to want things. I want too much. I’m bad for wanting so much. It’s bad to want _______ (insert whatever it is you really want here). It’s greedy or selfish to want that. I’m greedy. I’m selfish. ...and many more.
it’s good to discover what you want, ask for what you want, say what you don’t want, and be able to put yourself first sometimes.
The one who uses guilt to shut the other person down is doing so because they’re scared of painful feelings, criticism, or being left.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
When we believe a relationship should only involve happy, loving feelings, and never include discomfort, we avoid all topics and conversations that are uncomfortable. This keeps relationships superficial, distant, and lacking passion. We keep everyone at a safe distance. While this might avoid a certain kind of immediate discomfort of going into messy feelings and conversations, we also miss out on the deep joy, happiness, and fulfillment that can come from fully connecting with other humans. We end up feeling deeply alone inside, in spite of having loving people all around us.
A Creator, on the other hand, realizes this: If my life is not the way I want it to be, then it’s my responsibility to change my attitude and approach to my circumstances. Over time, and through consistent action, I can create the life I want. I won’t get there by blaming others, telling myself that I suck, or any other avoidance maneuver. I must step up, face my fear, and take bold action again and again.
One of my teachers used to say, “feelings are just feelings.” It’s a simple statement that seemed a little stupid-obvious the first time I heard it. But over time I really got what he meant. These terrible, scary, unbearable things that I’m running from–they’re just feelings.
To live in your reality means you own who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you stand for, and what you think and feel in the moment. It means you are aware of these things and are living your life according to them. It means they matter to you more than the perceptions, likes, dislikes, and beliefs of those around you.
And the more people that know about you, the more people there are who will dislike you. Which can sound terrifying at first until you realize that “I’m not for everybody.”
If you were to go into a room of 100 people and say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh… it’s you. What are you doing here?”
Your shadow is made up of all the qualities that you learned are unacceptable in society. This includes thoughts, feelings, impulses, and actions that you learned are bad, unacceptable, and bring on disapproval and a loss of love.
If someone does get upset and then withdraws and turns it into a permanent grudge or hatred of you... look out. That is not someone you want in your life. They have a strong need to feel certain and significant by making others bad and wrong, and are unlikely to meet their needs in more healthy, positive, growth-oriented ways. They’re probably not the optimal person to be in any sort of relationship with.
“Aziz, when someone asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it.”
Instead, what if you knew that your life was fascinating and interesting? What if you stopped dismissing and criticizing yourself and your life as boring and lame? Are you engaged in it? Are you excited about the things you’re doing? If the answer to that is no, then it might be a sign to start doing some things you’re interested in. If your life is dull, repetitive, and you feel bored, it means you have too much certainty and you spend too much time in your comfort zone.
we don’t see the inside of other people.
Using the phrase “I notice” removes an accusatory tone and allows the other person to be more receptive. Notice how all the examples above are very specific, and devoid of interpretation or judgment.
giving does not mean only giving and never receiving. That turns an ideal into an extreme that is unattainable and unsustainable. If we only give and never get our needs met, we will soon feel burned out and resentful.
You need to start advocating for yourself and asking for what you want because no one else will. No one is stopping you because you’re not a victim of circumstance. You’re the owner of your life, the captain of your ship, and the mastery of your destiny. You are the one who decides what is right and what is wrong for you. You can decide what it means to identify your own needs and ask for what you want. You can decide to see it as healthy and mature, and to reject the old ideas that it’s bad, selfish, mean, or wrong to do so.
No Is a Complete Sentence The urge to explain, justify, and give lots of reasons is sure sign of a No-Noob. Trust me, I know the feeling. It feels bad, we don’t want to hurt their feelings, and we want to make sure they feel loved and OK about themselves. So, we give a dozen reasons as to why we’re saying no, so they know it’s not about them (even if it secretly is).
Yelling at someone you love, or saying something cutting or mean out of hurt or anger, that’s worth an apology. Texting while driving and hitting a biker—that’s worth an apology. Saying no to an invitation or an offer? I don’t see anything wrong with that. You are simply stating your preference.
“You can say anything, if you say it in the right way.”
“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.”
The only kind of criticism that really gets to us, that cuts right to our hearts and then lingers in our minds for weeks afterwards, is one that already aligns with a criticism we have of ourselves.
The truth is you cannot beat yourself into being a better person. Attacking, judging, punishing, and criticizing yourself will not lead to improvement. This is an antiquated and unexamined pattern that many of us run, despite it clearly not working.
Because they sound so sure of themselves, and you secretly feel unsure inside, it can be natural to conclude that they have it all figured out and you don’t.
That noise tells you: Trust in your teacher, your parents, those people with more experience, those people who can talk a better game and sound more confident. Don’t trust in yourself. Who are you to know anything?
Once you stop thinking there’s someone who can tell you what to do who knows more than you, all your power returns. Then you are a force of nature. Look out.
Our standard way of operating in the world is generally through our ego, or small self. This part of us is obsessed with how we appear to others, if we’re “getting ahead” and “becoming somebody” and generally doing everything we should be doing so that we survive.
There is a better way. A way that feels relieving, and gives you a greater sense of authority in your life. And that is to surrender. To trust more and fear less. To float more and steer less.
When you stop trying to be liked, and your intention is just to share who you are, as you are, guess what happens? That’s right – people like you way more. They are naturally drawn to you, and there is an ease and effortlessness about how you attract them.
