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I mean, having a child of my own would be disastrous, like riding a bike with a flaming seat and no brakes as it raced down a steep hill through a Civil War-like rendition of Bull Run where bullets were binkies and cannons fired diapers full of baby shit.
God, I was completely dysfunctional without my best friend. She was my Jiminy Cricket. Without her, I was just…wooden.
He told me I was his escape from the pressures of life.
I kept glancing over my shoulder at him because he was mine and somehow he created the possessiveness of a monkey over a cupcake in me. Mine. My precioussssss…
Cagney and Lacey—otherwise known as my boobs—were totally getting some action tonight!
I was prouder than a mutt marching through a pedigree dog show. My boyfriend!
I was slicker than a newborn rhino.
Breath filled my lungs as I sashayed over to him, resembling a cross between a drunken hooker and a newborn calf.
“Oh, Prince Everhard, we meet again.”
I was terrible at dirty talk, but Hale had a way of making me say absolutely anything. One time I’d even yelled out ranch dressing during sex.
HAHA
At one point I might have suggested he move into my vagina, forward his mail, and build a fort there.
Tequila tinged the flavor of pineapple as my first sip worked its way down my throat. Ah, yes, the fruits of the devil.
“I’m not used to feeling jealous.” “Me neither. But for the record, I am yours.”
But I do love you and now that I’ve found you I don’t want to waste time waiting for my life to begin. I want to be with you. Not every couple of weeks when I can get away, but every day. I want to wake up next to you. I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I close my eyes at night.”
There comes a moment when the road of life forks and you know you have to make a turn, but I just stood there.
“Get your emotions in check, Meyers. This isn’t daytime television.”
The butt hole was now, and would forever be deemed, the trust hole.
“My beautiful Rayne. Where was I before you? Lost.”
