Honeybee

by Trista Mateer

I’m sorry for trying to love you before I knew what I was doing, before I knew how to be wanted in the light by another person, before I knew how to look in the mirror and see something worth holding onto, before I knew that wanting you had a name and that it was okay to say it. This is no longer an apology to you. It’s one to myself for the times you said kissing me was just friendly, for the months I fucked boys and thought about your mouth, for the nights in your bed and the days on the other side of the room, for the years I thought it was romantic to be a secret, for the size of that closet.

I couldn’t sleep last night because I don’t know what you eat for breakfast anymore. I don’t know if you still wear my old clothes or if you threw them out when you threw me out. I read somewhere that it’s okay to miss people even if you don’t want them in your life anymore; and I hope that’s true. I hope everything I feel is okay.

You used to tell me that I only had to stay strong until you came home. I just try to stay strong all the time now.

was told once that you just have to shoulder it and get on with your day but this morning I got stuck on the way to the shower. Doubled over on the bathroom floor. Everything wanted to come up. The smell of your shampoo. Waking up next to you. Your love letters. The bridge of your nose. Your red coat. Everything wanted to come up but the vodka. So I let it. I was told once that’s what you’re supposed to do. Throw everything up. Throw everything out. Go back to bed. Sleep until it’s over.

but just because you grow together doesn’t mean you’re meant to stay. People don’t have roots for a reason.

My strength is defined, not by what I continue to carry, but by what I have allowed myself to put down.

I’ve realized that it’s not as important to remember where I’ve learned things, as it is to just learn them. I don’t always have to trace everything back to its source.

You may have been part of the healing but you don’t get to be a part of what’s healed.