The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

It’s alienating to be marginalized so thoroughly, so completely—to think you can’t connect with others in a way that most portray as necessary and natural for everyone—and many people deal with this rejection by rejecting and hating themselves.

Some people misinterpret aesthetic appreciation, romantic attraction, or sexual arousal as being sexual attraction, only to realize later that they are asexual.

feeling sexual attraction or inclination is not the line everyone must cross to be treated like an adult.

But asexuality is about attraction, not about willingness to engage in sexual behavior.

Breakups can of course involve frustration and bitterness, and sometimes the ex-partners will carry guilt regarding their inability to make their partner(s) happy, but any partnership needs to take an honest look at the partners’ needs and recognize if they are ill-equipped to meet them. The decision to go your separate ways for each of your own good can be a self-affirming and healthy experience and shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a failure or “proof” that these types of relationships never work.

Asexual people do often feel guilty if they don’t satisfy their partners in a way that seems so fundamental and important to them. This happens even without inordinate pressure from the partners or society. No one likes to be a disappointment, and asexual people are (sadly) pretty used to being treated like they are not good enough for a partner because of this “flaw.”

Heteroromantic and aromantic cisgender asexual people must recognize that many of them who are not visibly queer in some way are afforded some modicum of heterosexual privilege—an

asexual identity can be valid for abuse survivors.

When their friendships are their most precious relationships, they are often dropped or demoted in importance if their partner-desiring friends get significant others, and they sometimes struggle with feeling like they can never be important enough to anyone.

People love thinking that they’re so good at sex they could even make an uninterested person crave it. And this, yet again, is a symptom of ego—this “experiment” would not be for the benefit of the asexual person, but for the purpose of fueling the other person’s self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment, as well as confirming their preconceived ideas and narrow perspectives. Again, it’s about them, not about the asexual people.

Asexual people who have suffered abuse, have a mental illness, have a disability or medical condition, take medication, or are autistic are not less asexual. The experience is not less real because of what intersects with it.

if you have been taught that it’s the only way to show your full love for another person, this will take some time to unlearn. People show their love in many different ways, and you can focus on and eventually internalize the acts of love that are authentic for you.

All partners should be able to discuss their greatest needs and how they want them satisfied, and they should be approached with the attitude of wanting to have a loving relationship, not in a bargain-based atmosphere of humoring one another or grudgingly giving in order to receive.

Empowerment regarding sex should always include the option to not engage in it. Unfortunately, some folks in sex-positive movements misinterpret sex positivity as “sex is good, period,” and this can be turned against asexual people.