The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

I vowed to trust myself from then on as the authority on what I was feeling and what experiences I wanted.

it is defined as not valuing sex or sexual attraction enough to pursue it.

Because lack of sexual interest or attraction is often medicalized or thought of as a disorder, it’s very common for detractors to want “justification” from asexual people. In their minds, asexual people must prove their sexual orientation is not caused by something else in their lives before they will consider the possibility that the asexual person is really asexual.

Asexuality is a healthy status because it is not considered a mental or physical illness to not desire, pursue, or feel attraction that leads to sex.

feeling sexual attraction or inclination toward others is not the default.

If the sexual needs in a relationship are mismatched, many will assign the blame for the mismatch to the asexual partner(s) in any relationship.[13] Some see this couple or this group as problematic because “the asexual person doesn’t want sex enough,” not because “the sexual needs here are mismatched.”

relationship-seeking people should try to express their desires as “their preferences,” not as “the way things are supposed to be” (therefore attempting to justify demands that only asexual partners be required to compromise).

Every relationship will involve big issues to work out—sex is only one of them—and

if an asexual person was having regular sex because they felt they were obligated to and that they had no power to refuse, this relationship was dependent upon exploiting a lopsided power dynamic, and that calls into question whether the consent was valid and whether the relationship was appropriate in the first place.

abstinence is a practice (a choice), while asexuality is an orientation (not a choice—a

By and large, the message asexual people get from society is that they do not exist and/or that they should get help to change themselves;

These types of people may not understand the concept of “single” without considering it synonymous with “looking” or may not understand being happy without sexual experiences. They may not understand what it means to not yearn to be part of a couple or partnership. That’s why they can’t look at an asexual person (especially a person who does not want to date) and process the idea of that person being happy.

people don’t “become asexual.”

Allies of asexual people will not point to aspects of their personality that might complicate all sorts of social relationships and blame these traits for their orientation.

Many people report that looking good makes them feel good, which doesn’t necessarily imply any relationship with wanting to appear attractive in a sexual context. It should never be assumed that a person who is attractive or is perceived to have done something to be more aesthetically pleasing is therefore trying to get a partner

it’s more appropriate to acknowledge the possibility that this person is asexual rather than trying to find some medical problem that could be causing it.

Viewing partnered and/or sexually active life as the default, and all other arrangements as deviations, is not an accurate, useful, or supportive perspective for an asexual ally to maintain.

Nobody else gets to decide that what another person has been through negates their self-concept.

The bottom line is that people who say they are sexually attracted to no one mean exactly that.

Sexual orientation is not an either/or situation.

asexual people who have never heard of their own orientation are trained since childhood to think sex is an unavoidable part of all romantic relationships and that no one will love them without it

Asexual people are taught to hide it if they don’t feel what everybody else seems to feel.

compromise is not something only meant for the asexual partner(s).

All partners should be able to discuss their greatest needs and how they want them satisfied, and they should be approached with the attitude of wanting to have a loving relationship, not in a bargain-based atmosphere of humoring one another or grudgingly giving in order to receive.

Empowerment regarding sex should always include the option to not engage in it.

If someone is sex positive, their message should be about choice—about not marginalizing anyone based on lifestyle or inclination, even if said lifestyle includes no sex at all.

We haven’t made a decision. We’ve made an observation,