The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

If everyone treats you like you’re broken, you may eventually crack.

It’s alienating to be marginalized so thoroughly, so completely—to think you can’t connect with others in a way that most portray as necessary and natural for everyone—and many people deal with this rejection by rejecting and hating themselves.

Some people misinterpret aesthetic appreciation, romantic attraction, or sexual arousal as being sexual attraction, only to realize later that they are asexual.

It does not describe any decision that person makes about expressing sexuality, and it does not represent a vow or an intention regarding sex. Much like a heterosexual person does not “decide” when to start being attracted to partners, an asexual person doesn’t “decide” no one is sexually attractive or worth pursuing sexually. It just happens.

Asexual people can—and often do—decide to have sex. After all, people of any orientation can have sex with partners to whom they are not attracted. But asexuality is about attraction, not about willingness to engage in sexual behavior.

In most cases, lack of sexual interest or attraction is unlikely to be caused by any physical issue, hormonal or otherwise. Asexuality also isn’t enough to indicate a psychological problem. If a person’s sexual interest was present and then disappeared suddenly, that might be a physical or psychological issue.[13] If a person feels that trauma is getting in the way of going through with desired sexual interactions, that person can choose to pursue counseling. If sexual appetite, sex drive, or sexual interest has declined because of medication and the patient is distressed by this, alternative therapies can be discussed and possibly applied.[14]

“I think a search for a cause for one’s asexuality can too often go down a road of biological determinism, which leads to questions of hormone levels or an asexuality gene. It devalues the role of the myriad other aspects of one’s life in molding who one is as a person.” —M. LECLERC, HYPOMNEMATA

It is of course possible for a person to be mentally and/or physically ill and asexual without either of those traits being blamed for the other. Even if a physical or mental disease is part of a person’s overall reason for feeling asexual, that does not invalidate the orientation for that person; it does not become less “real” because of any illness. However, asexuality as an orientation is not a disease or a symptom. It shouldn’t be treated like an issue that can or should be cured, any more than homosexuality should.

Asexuality is especially unlikely to be indicative of a detrimental condition if the asexual person in question is embracing it. Finding a name for one’s experiences—and realizing that it isn’t a sickness or a disorder ...

For some non-asexual people, sexual attraction is such an integral part of life that they can’t help but imagine an asexual life as depressing and fear-inspiring, so it’s not surprising when some respond with concern while urging asexual people to get help. But if asexual people are relieved and happy to find they don’t have to force themselves to “be sexual” to lead fulfilling lives, it’s a lot more li...

“Asexuality isn’t something diagnosed by a blood test or MRI scan. [ . . . ] Definition of asexuality is ‘lack of sexual attraction,’ another one I’ve seen and like is ‘you’re asexual if you think the label fits and is useful for you.’ Neither of those are in any way something science can confirm. Both of those are something that each person knows for themselves.” —KAZ, KAZ’S TUMBLINGS

Asexuality is not a last resort diagnosis. It is not a diagnosis at all.

Relationships do not have to include sex or sexual attraction to be categorized as romantic.

Some asexual people do have the desire for partnered relationships that cannot be described as “just friendship,” though it’s a common misconception that all asexual people lack the capacity for romantic love. The opposite situation—sex or sexual attraction between people who are not in love—is universally acknowledged. Sex can even be great between people who aren’t in love! But love without sex (or the desire for it) is frequently called out as impossible, or at least unequal to “real” love.

For many asexual people, expressing feelings of love and closeness through sex just doesn’t naturally occur to them, or sex doesn’t seem like it is intrinsically attached to love. They may seem like separate experiences. Many romantic asexual people have a difficult time realizing they are asexual if they have romantic interests. They may think they can’t be asexual because they still like people romantically, but don’t think of their crushes in a sexual manner. It can be alienating when crushes don’t follow the popular formula; many asexual adolescents even lie to their peers about finding people sexually attractive just to make their crushes sound more like their friends’.

For asexual people who experience it, romantic attraction is an independent experience from sexual attraction, which may look odd from an outside perspective. If it’s real and intense and compelling, then why doesn’t it inspire the feelings most people expect when they feel it themselves? Believing the love isn’t fully there unless sex is desired too is like believing a tailless dog is never happy based on the notion that all dogs wag their tails if they’re happy. For asexual people, sexual attraction is just not in the equation; like the tailless dog, it’s just not there to wag. Romantic attraction without sexual attraction is the way a romantic asexual person operates. And it’s every bit as compelling—and satisfying—when it happens.

Also, some may see gender as more of a personality trait than a physical aesthetic, so attraction experiences can be less inclusive than “I’m attracted to X gender.” Some may be attracted to those with a certain manifestation of femininity, masculinity, or androgyny or may prefer those who display a particular attitude when it appears within one gender but not within another (e.g., they may like aggressive women but not aggressive men or find graceful movements to be attractive in a man but have no reaction to similar gracefulness in a woman). Attraction is sometimes dependent on far more than a person’s body or physical aesthetic.