The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

Imagine the case of a heterosexual man who is not attracted to other men in the least. He can know he has no attraction to men without trying to have sex with them because his feelings of disinterest or repulsion are very likely to prevent him from enjoying the experience. He does not feel he needs to have sex with a man to prove he is not attracted to men or to be sure that he wouldn’t enjoy it. He is trusted, without trying it, to understand, express, and live according to his own feelings. And he is not accused of being close-minded due to unwillingness to try sex with a man, nor is he frequently told by mainstream voices what great gay sex he is missing.

Do keep in mind, however, that some non-asexual people will feel betrayed if they find out you were never attracted to them the way they thought you were—since they assumed you would not have been having sex or a relationship with them if you weren’t—and they may no longer want to be intimate with you if you just aren’t into it like they are. Many asexual people just didn’t know their feelings weren’t the norm, may have been ashamed of their disinterest, or may have felt it was unacceptable to bring it up, so if this comes up, do stress that it wasn’t an intentional manipulation.