The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

You may have incompatible desires, but a compromise is possible in many cases.

Make sure you’re honest about your feelings, including your dealbreakers, your must-haves, and whatever aspects of your relationship are up for compromise,

Communicate about your signals for intimacy.

the aspects that make it different from your friendships or other important relationships.

it’s better to say “I’m in the mood, how do you feel about going to the bedroom?” than to just initiate a backrub or something similar and hope it leads to sex,

you may suggest your asexual partner(s) wear or say or do something if they want to initiate or would be willing to accept sex.

If a certain kind of touch makes your asexual partner(s) uncomfortable or falls solidly into the “sexual” category for them even if you don’t think it does, discuss when and whether these touches and actions would be welcomed or allowed.

sexual needs do not outrank all other needs in a relationship,

resources for non-asexual partners of asexual people in forums such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (www.asexuality.org);

If a sex-positive person thinks the only way to celebrate sex is to encourage more of it, that person may believe asexual people who choose to abstain are doing so because of a sex-negative attitude.

If someone is sex positive, their message should be about choice—about

please remember that a big part of being an ally is being one even when no asexual people are there to appreciate it.