Consensual nonmonogamy means that both partners have equal say in the decision to take unfulfilled hankerings elsewhere. In contrast, infidelity is a unilateral decision, in which one person secretly negotiates the best deal for themselves. They may imagine that it’s the best deal for all involved—safeguarding the marriage and busting up the sexual gridlock—but it is nevertheless an exertion of power over the unsuspecting spouse. Of course, as one man countered, “When she says no every night, did I get a say in that? Who’s been making unilateral decisions here?”
