Despite the benefits, I’ve seen over and over the heavy toll these covert liaisons take on the one who is the secret. Yes, the lover gets the lust without the laundry, but she lives without legitimacy—a position that inevitably erodes self-esteem and confidence. She feels special because he goes to such lengths to see her, but devalued by remaining unseen by others. She vacillates between feeling adored and feeling ignored. Oftentimes, psychological issues of self-worth, childhood abandonment, and insecure attachment keep her entangled. Her sense of herself as “not enough” is matched by her
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