The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

When a woman struggles to stay connected to herself, an affair is often a venue for self-reclamation. Like the heroes of ancient mythology, she leaves home to find herself. Her secret liaison becomes one thing in her life that is for her alone—a stamp of autonomy. When you have an affair, you know for a fact that you’re not doing it to take care of anyone else. Heyn’s subjects confirm the self-realization that is inherent in this kind of romance. “Whereas before their affairs these women experienced their bodies as fragmented, their voices muted, some vital organ or aspect of their personality missing, during the affair and after it they became changed. They let go of those muffled feelings and entered a clear reality, one filled with color and vibrancy, in which they felt alive and awake and strong and focused.”