The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

At this very moment, in all corners of the world, someone is either cheating or being cheated on, thinking about having an affair, offering advice to someone who is in the throes of one, or completing the triangle as a secret lover. No aspect of a couple’s life elicits more fear, gossip, or fascination than an affair. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too has the taboo against it. It has been legislated, debated, politicized, and demonized throughout history. Yet despite its widespread denunciation, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So much so that it is the only sin that gets two commandments in the Bible, one for doing it and one just for thinking about it.

not condemning does not mean condoning, and there is a world of difference between understanding and justifying.

Because I believe that some good may come out of the crisis of infidelity, I have often been asked, “So, would you recommend an affair to a struggling couple?” My response? A lot of people have positive, life-changing experiences that come along with terminal illness. But I would no more recommend having an affair than I would recommend getting cancer.

Catastrophe has a way of propelling us into the essence of things.

Desire is rooted in absence and longing.

“I love you. Let’s get married.” For most of history, those two sentences were never joined. Romanticism changed all that. In the late eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries, amidst the societal sea change of the Industrial Revolution, marriage was redefined. Gradually it evolved from an economic enterprise to a companionate one—a free-choice engagement between two individuals, based not on duty and obligation but on love and affection.

In the move from the village to the city, we became more free but also more alone.

Monogamy used to mean one person for life. Now monogamy means one person at a time.

Jason swept her off her feet by how well he swept the floor

Not only do we have endless demands, but on top of it all we want to be happy. That was once reserved for the afterlife. We’ve brought heaven down to earth, within reach of all, and now happiness is no longer just a pursuit, but a mandate.

we no longer divorce because we’re unhappy; we divorce because we could be happier.

The boomers separated sex from marriage and reproduction; their children are separating reproduction from sex.

When marriage was an economic arrangement, infidelity threatened our economic security; today marriage is a romantic arrangement and infidelity threatens our emotional security.

To acknowledge jealousy is to admit love, competition, and comparison—all of which expose vulnerability.

Developmental psychologists tell us that jealousy appears early in a baby’s life, at around eighteen months, but long after joy, sadness, anger, or fear. Why so late? Like shame and guilt, it is a feeling that requires a level of cognitive development that can acknowledge a self and an other.

The vengeful heart is wickedly imaginative.

To get back at the other is not a way to get the other back.

Acutely aware of the law of gravity, we dream of flying.