Emmy & Oliver

by Robin Benway

That’s when I first learned about true frustration, that wrenching ache when the thing that matters most to you barely makes a ripple in other people’s lives.

And then Oliver blinked again and it was like a shutter went off in his own eyes so I could see the picture of the anger, the hurt, the embarrassment. It was a private viewing just for me, gone a second later when he blinked once more and his face smoothed back into its normal, passive shape.

There are conversations you have to have face-to-face, but others that require perpetual motion. Shoes scuffing, the crunch of fallen leaves, blades of grass whispering together keeping the other person from looking into your eyes and realizing that you don’t believe a word of what you’re saying.

he and Drew did the fist-bump thing. (I will never understand how so many guys always know how to do that. Is it genetic? Is it a talent carried on the Y chromosome?)

It’s easier to stop breathing than it is to stop thinking.

“Good luck,” I said, not sure if it was bad luck to wish someone good luck or vice versa, then scurried into the den before I had to hear any more mom conversations. They always made me uncomfortable, like they were the Ghost of Christmas Future, a life laid out for me that I wasn’t even sure I wanted but felt destined to live, anyway.

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing, so I don’t say anything at all. That’s not the same as being a good listener.”

I had a comeback on the tip of my tongue, but when he looked at me and smiled again, it melted away in my mouth, leaving nothing but a smile behind.

Sometimes, the things people don’t say are louder than the words that come out of their mouths.

I slipped off his lap so I could curl up against his side. He put his arm around me, like a hug, like a wing, like a home.

“Wanting someone isn’t the same as loving them, though,” he said. “You know? It doesn’t mean the same thing.”

I guess the more you start to love someone, the more you ache when they’re gone,

I just hugged him and didn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything to say. Sometimes there just aren’t enough words to fill the cracks in your heart.