Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience

by Meg Jay

“The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with great difficulties. When a mind is raised and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.”

“most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.”

“bad emotions, bad parents, and bad feedback have more impact than good ones, and bad information is processed more thoroughly than good.”

The tyranny of the past rules the present and the future as these outsize, tenacious reminiscences take over our autobiographies, and even our lives.

“There are no words. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know where to put that.”

it is the mental agony caused by the injustice, the unreasonableness of it all.”

Rather than raging against another person, for supernormals, fighting the good fight is more often about battling back against a situation—poverty, discrimination, abuse, bullying, unfairness, abandonment—whatever the case may be.

Fueled by some original injustice, the supernormal are not afraid to work long and hard without immediate rewards, even in the face of multiple setbacks.

Excellence, it turns out, is the best deterrent to any form of discrimination based on difference,

She had a vague and constant feeling that she had something to prove or offset.

A secret weapon that a great many supernormals do have, however, is a natural—or unnatural—ability to control themselves.

Their families need them to be well and do well, yet they are often left to feel bad about their own health and accomplishments.

Scrappers that they are, supernormals fashion whole lives out of the bits and pieces of the lives of others. Wherever they go, they take care not to ask for too much or to get too comfortable because they are entitled to none of it. Paula

Every moment of every day, she felt like an interloper, like she was expendable.

that. If anything, adoptable orphans are the ones who feel they must cheerfully follow behind

Research shows us that, for high-power individuals, smiles

on their faces correspond with internal states of pleasure or happiness, while low-power individuals smile to make other people comfortable; there is no correlation between their smiles and how they really feel inside. For the powerful, smiling is authentic, while for the powerless, it is strategic or obligatory. Those high in power smile when they want to while those low in power smile when they need to.

When spontaneity is not safe and must be exchanged for strategy, however, life becomes calculated. The true self—a self that springs from what feels real on the inside—cannot develop, or must go undercover.

matches. Accustomed to reflexively making life work, they make life work

with whoever comes along.

Even when she was with close friends, she was frightened by how hard she had to work just to smile and seem happy.

There is a dose-dependent, generally linear relationship between exposure to hardship in childhood and resulting health problems across the life span, from fatigue or ulcers or arthritis to the leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, liver disease, and autoimmune diseases. The more hardships we endure in childhood, the more health problems we are likely to face in adulthood.

Childhood adversity can shorten the life span by up to twenty years.

It is estimated that childhood adversity is associated with one-third to one-half of all mental health disorders, with depression and anxiety being the most common among them.

The effects of chronic stress in early life on mental health are cumulative—and nonspecific—so what matters is not the particular kind of adversity that one experiences so much as the amount of unmitigated stress over time.

And the supernormal are some of the most courageous and compassionate people—some of the best people—I have known, not in spite of the difficulties they have faced but because of them.

Data from dozens of studies including hundreds of thousands of participants point to loneliness as a major risk factor for ill health and even death. Chronic isolation is deemed more harmful to our well-being than many well-known risk factors such as physical inactivity and obesity, and has been hailed as just as bad for our health as smoking. “One of the greatest diseases,” said Mother Teresa, “is to be nobody to anybody.”

Loneliness is perceived social isolation from others, or the seeming unavailability of others, rather than objective social isolation. So many supernormals who pass feel disconnected from others even when—and sometimes especially when—they are surrounded by family and friends.

they have been made keenly aware of injustice in the world, and so they become helpers or problem solvers at home or at work, often standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. In one way or another, they put on a cape and swoop in and save the day. To stand by and do nothing would be wrong; besides, helping other people is what they are good at. Likely, they have been doing it all their lives.

The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury. —Marcus Aurelius

Physical intimacy—holding hands, touching, hugging, kissing, having sex—reduces stress hormones, too, and it boosts our levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, also known as the love hormones.

In the long run, what goes right matters more than what goes wrong.

it was the love they had, not the love they did not have, that mattered most.

it is never too late for one good person—or for a collection of good people—to change our lives for the better one moment, one day, one year at a time.

Own the fighter within. Be empowered by your ability to be strong and to bound over obstacles in your way. There is no need to feel bad about the times you have been angry, to feel ashamed for refusing to accept things the way they are. This is how resilient people strive and thrive but, remember, you need to find ways to create some peace for yourself, too.

a child, take good care of yourself as an adult. Find a physician and get a physical once a year. Tell him or her that you have a history of childhood adversity, because he or she will not know it just by looking at you. Sleep eight hours a night. Eat well. Play well. Exercise well. Work well, which includes taking time off. Start now. The good does not win out in the end if your life is cut short because of chronic stress.

Avoid relatives, partners—or bosses—who are retraumatizing.