My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts

by Resmaa Menakem

SQUEEZE AND HOLD Stand or sit comfortably. Take a few breaths. Feel into your body. Where does it seem constricted, uncomfortable, or unwell in any way? Note each of these locations. Then, one location at a time, gently press your hand against the uncomfortable spot, as if you are holding it lightly in place. For thirty to forty-five seconds, simply experience that gentle pressure. Then rub the spot, slowly and gently. If this feels good, keep rubbing for thirty to sixty seconds. If it doesn’t, stop. Next, gently squeeze and hold that spot. If squeezing it feels good, continue for thirty to sixty seconds. If it doesn’t, stop. Do this for each part of your body where there is pain, constriction, or distress. Use this activity whenever a part of your body feels uncomfortable.

FINGER BALANCE For this activity, buy what’s called a balancing bird. Google those two words and you’ll find a lot of options. Get one that’s four to seven inches long; you should be able to find one for a dollar or two. (Prices range widely, but all models have the same basic design.) Hold out your hand with the palm up. Keep your index finger extended, but curl the rest of your hand into a fist. Place the beak of the balancing bird gently on the tip of your index finger. The beak will be no wider than a pencil point. If you keep your hand still, the bird will balance perfectly on your fingertip. The bird will seem to defy gravity and float in place. Continue to let the bird balance on your fingertip for thirty to sixty seconds, keeping your attention focused on it. If you like, move your hand in small, slow circles while the bird stays balanced. These birds are more than just cool toys. They can have a profound focusing and settling effect on the body. I first learned about them as part of my training as a somatic therapist. If you like, carry the bird in your purse or pocket. In moments of stress or difficulty, pull it out and balance it on your finger for a minute or so. (But if you want to be left alone, don’t do this in public. There’s a good chance someone will come over and say, “Wow, that is awesome.”)

SOOTHING YOUR HANDS Find an oil or lotion that smells good and feels good on your skin. This doesn’t have to be anything special; many people use olive oil or hand lotion. Get comfortable. Focus your attention on one hand. Then, very slowly and mindfully, rub it with lotion or oil. Apply it to your fingertips; then to the rest of your fingers; then to the spaces between your fingers; then to your palm; then to the back of your hand. Spend fifteen to twenty seconds slowly and gently rubbing it in. Notice how each par...

Safeguarding your body also requires wise and compassionate self-care. This includes: ◆ Getting enough sleep ◆ Good nutrition ◆ Drinking enough water ◆ Regular exercise ◆ Enjoying simple pleasures

The particulars of moving through clean pain are unique to each person and each incident. However, the process can be described—and navigated. The process involves five steps. Each one anchors you in the present and, most importantly, in your body. I refer to them as the five anchors.68 • Anchor 1: Soothe yourself to quiet your mind, calm your heart, and settle your body. • Anchor 2: Simply notice the sensations, vibrations, and emotions in your body instead of reacting to them.

Anchor 3: Accept the discomfort—and notice when it changes—instead of trying to flee from it. • Anchor 4: Stay present and in your body as you move through the unfolding experience, with all its ambiguity and uncertainty, and respond from the best parts of yourself. • Anchor 5: Safely discharge any energy that remains. You’ll know you need to practice the five anchors when you sense a conflict building; when that conflict looks and feels as if it will continue to escalate; and when you feel a growing discomfort in your soul nerve. Let’s move through the process in detail.

ANCHOR 1: SOOTHE YOURSELF TO QUIET YOUR MIND, CALM YOUR HEART, AND SETTLE YOUR BODY. In an ideal world, when a conflict starts to boil, you’d be able to leave the room, take ten deep breaths, meditate for five minutes, and walk around the block. But in the real world you almost never have that kind of opportunity. In the heat of a conflict, you need to be able to soothe yourself quickly in order to move into the second step. Here are some ways to practice Anchor 1: • First and foremost, shut up. For a few seconds, don’t say anything—no matter how much you might want to, or how much you have to say, or how loudly someone else is yelling. Just breathe. • If you’re holding something, let it go or put it down. • Sit down. Put your hands in your lap or on your knees. • Mentally tell yourself, Stay calm or Keep it together or (my own favorite) Calm the fuck down. • Quickly find an internal resource your body experiences as safe, soothing, or pleasurable. Think of this person, place, or animal, and quickly connect to it. For a few seconds, experience this resource (as a sensation, or image, or emotion, or impulse, or vibration). • Go to the bathroom. Seriously. Say, “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back”; then go in and close the door. I know this sounds silly, but in many situations, it’s the best way to get two minutes alone to catch your breath and move into Anchor 2. If you just walk away or say, “I need to be alone for a minute,” someone might get pissed off ...

ANCHOR 2: SIMPLY NOTICE THE SENSATIONS, VIBRATIONS, AND EMOTIONS IN YOUR BODY INSTEAD OF REACTING TO THEM. This anchor is all about staying in the here and now. Here are some ways to do this: • Pay attention to your body’s experience of simply being in your clothes. Notice how and where your body touches your underwear, your shirt, your pants, your skirt, your socks or stockings, and your hat. • Notice any other body sensations: your back against the chair, your tongue against the roof of your mouth, the wind blowing against your face. Experience and name each sensation: heat, cold, constriction, relaxation, hollowness, looseness, weakness, trembling. • As thoughts and emotions and possible reactions arise, don’t run off with them. Bring yourself back to your body and its sensations. ANCHOR 3: ACCEPT THE DISCOMFORT—AND NOTICE WHEN IT CHANGES—INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FLEE FROM IT. At first this will be difficult, but with practice it will get easier. Here are some ways to practice this: • When you feel an urge to tamp down or push away the discomfort, don’t. Keep your attention focused directly on it. Stay with it and notice when it changes—because, if you don’t flee from it, at some point it will. • When you get the impulse to analyze or think about the discomfort, bring yourself back to the sensation of discomfort itself. Again, notice when it changes. • When your mind spits out strategies for what to do next, don’t grab onto them. Just sit with the discomfort. Notice w...

ANCHOR 4: STAY PRESENT AND IN YOUR BODY AS YOU MOVE THROUGH THE UNFOLDING EXPERIENCE, WITH ALL ITS AMBIGUITY AND UNCERTAINTY, AND RESPOND FROM THE BEST PARTS OF YOURSELF. Continue to use the first three anchors to stay in the present and in your body. At the same time, slowly move into the heat, peril, and possibility of the conflict. Feel your way, moment by moment. Here are some tips: • When you find yourself focusing on the future or the past, use the first three anchors to bring yourself back to your body and the here and now. • When your attention moves to what’s wrong with you or with what a jerk the other person is, use those first three anchors to bring you back to the present.

ANCHOR 5: SAFELY DISCHARGE ANY ENERGY THAT REMAINS. This anchor is underused and poorly understood, but it is no less important than the others. Use this anchor only after you have worked through the conflict, or disengaged from it, or agreed to stop focusing on it for now. If you watch animals in the wild, you’ll see that after a high-stress situation has passed, they’ll instinctively discharge their built-up energy. A zebra that has just outrun a lion will vigorously shake itself or ripple the skin along its back. Other animals will roll on the ground or run in a circle or pick brief mock fights with each other. After you have been in the heat of a conflict, its energy remains bottled up in your body. For your physical and emotional wellbeing, discharge it as soon as you reasonably can. Allow yourself to experience your body’s natural defensive and protective urges—and then discharge them. Here are some good ways to do this:

Most forms of exercise, including walking. • Playing most sports. • Dancing. • Physical labor—heavy yard work, construction, snow shoveling, etc. • Follow your body’s moment-by-moment guidance. You might experience a sudden urge to push your hands in the air, or run around the block, or shake your head vigorously and shout. Let your body do whatever it wants to do. (Unless, of course, it wants to do something harmful, such as putting a fist through the wall. In that case, discharge the energy in a harmless way—by punching a cushion, for example.) Here are some things that will not help: • Playing sports that don’t make you move your entire body for at least twenty consecutive minutes—ping pong, golf, bowling, softball, etc. • Doing yoga, tai chi, qigong, or meditation. These will stretch and/or relax you, but they will gather rather than disperse your energy.

—BODY PRACTICES— STOP, DROP, AND ROLL Whatever you’re doing, thinking, or saying, stop. Don’t go any further down the same emotional and mental path. Drop back. Pay attention to what you experience in your body; to what is going on around you; to where the situation seems to be headed; and to how you’re helping to push it in that direction. Then ask yourself: “Is that where I want this interaction to go?” If not, say so out loud: “Let’s not go where I think we’re headed. Let’s figure out something different.” Roll with whatever happens next in your body, but without fighting, fleeing, or freezing. Don’t try to control it, or run from it, or squelch it, or tear it to pieces. You might suddenly weep, or laugh, or shudder, or moan, or hug yourself. If so, let go and do it. (Unless it will harm you or someone else, in which case channel the energy so that it doesn’t, as in Anchor 5.) This process is especially helpful when your situation looks like it’s escalating toward a crisis.

CHECK YOUR BODY’S CHECKPOINTS Your body has internal checkpoints—physical sensations that activate when something feels unfair, frightening, dangerous, or otherwise not right. These are signals from your soul nerve. They might alert you to something real, something perceived, something possible, or something imagined. (To your body, these are all identical.) These signals might include a tingle at the back of your neck, a sinking feeling in your belly, a tightness in your shoulders, or some other unpleasant sensation. You’ll know these sensations when you experience them. These checkpoints are your body’s early warning signals. They alert you when you are headed for a fight, flee, or freeze response. If you’re paying attention, when one of these signals goes off, you can stop what you’re doing and take steps to settle your body. This helps you avoid a fight, flee, or freeze response. It also gives you a chance to change the dynamic of the situation by leaving it, stepping back, or saying something like, “You know what? I’d like to do this differently.”

Whenever one of your body’s checkpoints signals you, investigate it. What do you experience? Where do you experience it? What emotions, thoughts, or images are arising with it? Then ask yourself, “What is this sensation telling me? What is it urging me to do? What movements do I need to make? What action needs to be completed? How can I respond from my deepest integrity—the best parts of myself?” The answer to this last question will point a way forward. With practice, you’ll get more familiar with your ...

The process of moving through clean pain involves five steps, or anchors: ◆ Anchor 1: Soothe yourself to quiet your mind, calm your heart, and settle your body. ◆ Anchor 2: Simply notice the sensations, vibrations, and emotions in your body instead of reacting to them. ◆ Anchor 3: Accept the discomfort—and notice when it changes—instead of trying to flee from it. ◆ Anchor 4: Stay present and in your body as you move through the unfolding experience, with all its ambiguity and uncertainty, and respond from the best parts of yourself. ◆ Anchor 5: Safely discharge any energy that remains.

—BODY PRACTICES TO DO TOGETHER— THINGS TO DO WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY MEMBERS, AND OTHERS YOU KNOW AND TRUST Hum or keen together. This can be a single tone, a series of tones, or a tune all of you know.

Hum and touch. Pair up with someone you trust and respect. Before you begin humming, have the other person face away from you; then gently cup your hand around the base of their skull, where their soul nerve begins. Keep your hand there as you hum together. After a few minutes, switch places.

Om together. You may first need to briefly train people, especially in stretching out the sound into three syllables. If necessary, explain that this is a...

Sing a lullaby (or any other song) together. Lullabies are ideal because they help bodies settle as well as harmonize. Louder and more energetic singing can harmoni...

Rock back and forth together, without touching. You can do this while singing or humming; to music, without vocalizing; or silently and mindfully. Holding hands or draping arms over each other’s shoulders is optional. (This activity can have more power when people don’...

Rub your bellies, breastbones, or solar plexuses at the same time. Each person of co...

Take a silent walk together; after a few steps, deliberately keep your footsteps in sync. Walking side by side is ideal, but one person can also walk in front of the other....

Take someone’s hand and gently massage it for one to two minutes. First ask his or her permission, of course. Do this with either or both hands.

Wash or massage someone’s feet. You may be surprised at what a profound experience this is for some people. They may (or may not) melt or swoon or cry. You may also be surprised at how few people will agree to it—even though it is almost universally pleasurable—and deeply settling. Always ask for permission first.

Simply stand and breathe quietly together, with gazes cast slightly downward. Option 1: stand in pairs, back to back. Option 2: stand in a circle, facing front to back, with each person’s hand placed gently on the...

When someone is in emotional distress, simply be settled and present with the person. If he or she cries or wails, cry as well. If the person needs to talk, simply list...

THINGS TO DO IN GROUPS WHOSE MEMBERS KNOW AND TRUST EACH OTHER (CHURCH GROUPS, BLOCK CLUBS, ETC.)

Hum together, as described earlier.

Group hum and touch. Have five or more people stand in a circle, with each person facing the next person’s back. Have each person cup his or her hand gently around the base of the next person’s skull. Then hum together.

Sing together. Rock back and forth together, without touching. You can do this with or without music and with or without singing. Have people stand in a ...

Rub bellies, breastbones, or solar plexuses together. Again, each person rubs his or her own. Line dance or folk dance together as a group. (Not as partners.) Sit silently together in a circle for ten to fifteen minutes, simply resting and breathing. Ask people not to make eye contact. Instead, ask them to cast their gazes down or close their eyes.

—BODY PRACTICES TO DO TOGETHER— Sing together. Not just any songs, but gospel songs, call-and-response tunes, and other uniquely African American music. Group drumming. Anyone who can move at least one limb can drum. If you don’t have drums, a tabletop will do.

Rhythmic group clapping. This is basically drumming on our own bodies. Hum in sync with others. This is ideal for when groups are cleaning, packing, cooking, or doing some other chore together. Brief, secure, caring touches. Of course, only give such touches to people who welcome and appreciate them. Braiding or combing each other’s hair. Although this is typically a woman-to-woman activity, there’s no reason why men—or men and women—can’t do it together. Cook together. This can also include eating together; feeding each other; bringing food to others in difficult times; serving or delivering meals to people in need; trading recipes; teaching others (especially young people) to cook; feeding each other’s babies or children; cooking new dishes or cuisines together; volunteering to cook together as a family at a church supper

Hug people mindfully. Before you give a hug, do your best to settle your body. As you hug the other person, pay close attention to your body—and to their body, too. This transforms a greeting ritual into a practice for settling and harmonizing bodies. (Of course, only hug people who are okay with being hugged.) Offer supportive touch. Gently but firmly, simply hold a part of someone’s body to support it. This might be a person’s elbow or their shoulder or the back of their neck. This can be especially settling for someone who is distraught or shaken. Of course, always ask the person for permission first. To provide additional support and settling, also hum softly. Cry or wail together in times of grief, tragedy, or death. Host a wailing circle or set up a wailing room. There can be great healing in the shared expression of suffering or misery.

Provide (or create) reprieve spaces—places and situations where people can take temporary shelter from the ravages of white-body supremacy. While these can be officially designated spaces in African American homes, community centers, businesses, or houses of worship, they don’t have to be. Reprieve spaces can also be created spontaneously, as needed. You can let someone spend an afternoon alone in your spare bedroom, or allow them to sit for two hours in a quiet booth in the back of the restaurant where you work. You can even create a temporary reprieve space simply by sitting with someone and listening to him or her with a settled body and a mindful presence.

—BODY PRACTICES— Imagine the following scenario. At each moment, observe your body closely. What does it experience? Where does it constrict? Where does it relax? What does it want to do? What emotions, thoughts, images, or words bubble up? You’re walking in a busy shopping mall. Outside a jewelry store, two white cops—a man and a woman—stand side by side. Both catch your eye, lock gazes with you, and stare grimly at you as you walk closer. As you near the store, the male cop moves his hand and lets his palm rest lightly on the butt of his gun. Stop.

What do you experience in your body? Where is there constriction? Where is there settling? What does it want to do? What impulses, emotions, images, or thoughts arise—or flood in? Does time speed up, slow down, or keep the same pace? Use the five anchors from Chapter Twelve to settle your body and slow yourself down. Now, act from the best parts of yourself. What do you do?

Here’s another scenario. As before, observe your body closely, moment by moment. What does it experience? Where does it constrict? Where does it relax? What does it want to do? How does it want to move? What emotions, thoughts, images, or words bubble up? You’ve been invited by a white friend to her company’s Christmas party. When you get to the party, it is in full swin...

four things: everyone in the room is white; almost all of them are in suits or cocktail dresses, while you are in casual clothes; you don’t see your friend anywhere; and, as you enter the room, many of the people turn and look at you. Stop. What do you experience in your body? Where is there constriction? Where is there settling? What does it want to do? What impulses, emotions, images, or thoughts arise? Use the five anchors from Ch...

Here’s a simple practice I encourage you to develop into a habit: Starting now, each time you encounter a white (or yellow or red or police) body, pay attention to your own body. What do you experience in it? Where does it constrict? Where is it relaxed? What does it want to do? Does it sense a threat? If it does, work with the practices in Chapter 12 to slow yourself down and notice what’s actually happening. Use your discernment to evaluate the situation. If you experience a sense of danger, is this a reflexive response, or is the threat real? If your body’s response is a reflex rather than a response to the unfolding situation, use one or more of the strategies you learned earlier to help your body settle. If the threat see...

This activity is not meant to encourage you to reflexively trust all white bodies. At this point in time, that may not be too wise. Instead, it’s designed to help you notice any reflexive distrust and to replace that refl...

Activities that can help you harmonize your body with other African American bodies—and help all of you heal—include: ◆ Singing together ◆ Group drumming ◆ Rhythmic group clapping ◆ Humming in sync with others ◆ Brief, secure, caring touches ◆ Braiding or combing each other’s hair ◆ Cooking together ◆ Hugging people mindfully ◆ Crying or wailing together in times of grief, tragedy, or death

What did you experience in your body when I handed you the puppy? When you held it in your arms? When you gave it back to me? What happened in your body when I first struck the puppy with a hammer? When I kept striking it? When you realized I was murdering it? When you knew for certain it was dead? What did your body want to do? Try to stop me? Grab for the hammer? Punch me in the face? Run away? Freeze in terror? Dial 9-1-1? Had I actually beaten a puppy to death in front of you,71 you might have suffered vicarious trauma. That trauma could stay stuck in your body—possibly for months, years, or even decades—until you addressed it and mended it. And in order to mend it, you would first need to recognize it as trauma. I suggest you take a break from this book for at least half an hour. During that time, consider using one of the many techniques you’ve practiced for settling your body. Once your body experiences a difference and a settledness, resume reading.

For the next activity, you’ll need access to a computer, smartphone, or tablet with Internet access. Go to the Wikipedia page for the 1920 Duluth lynchings (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1920_Duluth_lynchings). Take a close look at the photograph of three mutilated Black bodies, one of which has been decapitated. As you look at this picture, what does your body experience? Where do you feel constriction or release? What other sensations does your body experience? What does it want to do? What impulses, emotions, or images arise? Do these feel fresh and new, or old and historical? Which parts of your body want to fight? Which parts want to flee or turn away? Which parts want to freeze? Does a part of you want to shut down and override what you’re experiencing? Is a potentially soothing thought going through your head, such as, Hey, it’s just history, or Thank God people don’t do this anymore, or This is just bad people doing bad things? Now look at the two dozen or so white bodies that are posed around the lynched Black bodies. Look at the expression on each man’s face. What do you experience now in your body? Where do feel constriction or release? What other sensations do you feel? What impulses, emotions, or images arise? Does the experience you are having right now seem new and fresh, or ancient and historical? What does your body want to do? Which parts of it want to fight? Which parts want to flee? Which parts want to freeze? Now imagine you’re one of those men, standi...

“I had been traumatized” is never a valid excuse for murder, or any other crime. Neither is “My ancestors were traumatized.” These statements are calls to heal, not to cause harm. Your white body was not something you chose. But the imaginary construct of whiteness is something you can change. Simply because you have a white body, you automatically benefit from white-body supremacy, whether you want to or not. Even if you’re the most fair-minded person on Earth, at times certain privileges will be conferred upon you because of the color of your skin. Your whiteness is considered the norm, and the standard against which all skin colors—and all other human beings—are compared. That alone provides you with a big advantage.

I’m not blaming you for this, or asking you to feel guilty or ashamed about it. But you do need to be aware of what those privileges are and how they function. You need to not take those privileges for granted as your birthright. You were granted those privileges, but you did not earn them. Great harm was done to other human beings to secure those privileges for you, and for others with white skin. The presence of these privileges in your life—and of white-body supremacy in general—is not benign. It’s your responsibility to not merely enjoy those privileges, but to share them with others—and, ultimately, with everyone.

As you now know, your body doesn’t give a rat’s ass what your cognitive brain thinks or believes. Your soul nerve and lizard brain either feel safe or they feel threatened. You can think one thing, and your body can simultaneously respond as if you had exactly the opposite thought.

Your body puts each new body it encounters into one of two categories: safe or dangerous. And many white Americans—no matter what they think or believe—put unfamiliar Black bodies into the dangerous category. This makes it difficult for their bodies to settle when Black bodies are nearby. This sense of danger does not come out of nowhere. But it also doesn’t come from Black bodies—even though, to white bodies, it feels like it does. It comes from the ideas and images that were created, perpetuated, and institutionalized over hundreds of years—all for the benefit of powerful white bodies.

For generations, white-body supremacy allowed many white Americans to avoid developing the full range of necessary skills for navigating adulthood. Instead of building resilience, and accepting the full pain and grief and disappointment of human existence, they outsourced some of that pain, grief, and disappointment to dark-skinned bodies. They also hired (or forced) dark bodies to protect them. At the same time, many white Americans tried to protect themselves by retreating to all-white or mostly white enclaves.

Paradoxically, these efforts made many white Americans more vulnerable to trauma and caused them to feel more fragile and threatened, in the same way that overprotecting a child encourages him or her to become a helpless, frightened adult. This is the ultimate irony of white-body supremacy: in the name of protecting and serving white Americans, it has done immense harm to them.