My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts

by Resmaa Menakem

ANCHOR 1: SOOTHE YOURSELF TO QUIET YOUR MIND, CALM YOUR HEART, AND SETTLE YOUR BODY. In an ideal world, when a conflict starts to boil, you’d be able to leave the room, take ten deep breaths, meditate for five minutes, and walk around the block. But in the real world you almost never have that kind of opportunity. In the heat of a conflict, you need to be able to soothe yourself quickly in order to move into the second step. Here are some ways to practice Anchor 1: • First and foremost, shut up. For a few seconds, don’t say anything—no matter how much you might want to, or how much you have to say, or how loudly someone else is yelling. Just breathe. • If you’re holding something, let it go or put it down. • Sit down. Put your hands in your lap or on your knees. • Mentally tell yourself, Stay calm or Keep it together or (my own favorite) Calm the fuck down. • Quickly find an internal resource your body experiences as safe, soothing, or pleasurable. Think of this person, place, or animal, and quickly connect to it. For a few seconds, experience this resource (as a sensation, or image, or emotion, or impulse, or vibration). • Go to the bathroom. Seriously. Say, “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back”; then go in and close the door. I know this sounds silly, but in many situations, it’s the best way to get two minutes alone to catch your breath and move into Anchor 2. If you just walk away or say, “I need to be alone for a minute,” someone might get pissed off ...