The torment of wanting them when they came up close like this. I will kill myself soon. But until then, how do I tame my pain? I need to prise them off me. But how? I must stop remembering. I must keep them in a faraway place. The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind. So I stopped talking about them, I wouldn’t mouth my boys’ names, I shoved away stories of them. Let them, let our life, become as unreal as that wave.
