The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

But allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path toward resentment and bitterness.

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no.

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else. And every time we say no, we free ourselves to spend that time and attention on another person or interest.

In other words, by taking care of others, I was consciously neglecting to take care of myself. I was ignoring my family. I was putting my studies on the back burner. And I was growing increasingly stressed and unhappy because I wasn’t able to do the things I relished.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.

The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

For example, at the workplace, we take on new projects because we fear that declining them will impede the advancement of our careers. With our friends, we commit ourselves to activities because we’re afraid to miss out on rewarding experiences.

The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person.

If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable. Second, remind yourself that conflict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s merely the expression of contradictory views. How a person reacts to a conflict (with a calm demeanor or with anger) is an entirely different matter.

By starting with low-risk situations, you’ll build a tolerance for conflict. Like a muscle, this tolerance will become stronger with repeated use. You’ll eventually grow comfortable saying no, even when faced with someone prone to anger when his or her requests are denied.

Think about the last time you agreed to do something you weren’t even remotely interested in. Did you find yourself saying yes before you had even considered how doing so might impact you? That’s a learned behavior.

According to psychologists, the fear of missing out is serious enough to induce anxiety in many people. It can even be the cause of compulsive behavior, such as checking email and Facebook messages every few minutes.

For example, suppose you have an opportunity to manage a new project at your job. You’re inclined to say yes because there’s a chance that taking it on might advance your career. But there are probably concealed costs associated with managing this project. For example, saying yes to this project means you must say no to others, some of which might offer better odds of career advancement.

Do you have enough time to take on another project? If not, taking it on is likely to have a negative impact on your current responsibilities. Falling behind and turning in shoddy work is more likely to hurt your career than help it.

One solution is to decide that you’ll no longer assist your coworkers on accounting-related tasks. You decide to turn down this entire category of requests. Over time, your coworkers will become informed of your decision, and begin to look elsewhere for help. This strategy isn’t just effective for the workplace. It can work in your personal life, too. It did for me.

But you decide to turn down any request that requires your attention between 9:00 a.m. and 12:00 noon, your most productive hours.

Or you may decide to turn down all requests that require more than 30 minutes of your time during the workweek.

This strategy also streamlines the process of saying no. You no longer have to consider each request individually. If it matches your deal-breaking attribute (e.g. the request will require more than 30 minutes of your time), you automatically turn it down.

If you want to learn to say no with confidence and without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries. You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions.

Will people occasionally be disappointed, or even angered, by your refusal to help them? Of course. But remember, you can’t control others’ reactions. All you can be reasonably expected to do is say no with poise and sincerity.

But there’s value in communicating your limits. You’ll not only manage your stress levels, but you’ll also avoid being stretched too thin. The last thing you want is to take on new projects for which you have no time. Doing so is a recipe for frustration and failure.

When you give in to temptations, you become a slave to your impulses. The resulting short-term gratification often comes at the expense of long-term fulfillment. When you resist temptations with declarative statements that begin with “I don’t…” you become the architect of a life built upon healthy intentions.

Moreover, the cumulative demand of numerous small requests can be substantial. Saying yes to multiple people can easily swallow your most productive hours.

But that doesn’t mean saying no will be easy - at least, not in the beginning. Doing so with confidence is like using a muscle. You need to use a muscle to make it stronger.