The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

saying yes to others was, in effect, saying no to myself.

Consider how flight attendants explain airline safety to passengers. In the event the cabin decompresses, you’re supposed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others put on their masks. Help yourself first. Then, assist others. These instructions aren’t intended to promote self-preservation. Rather, the airline knows that if you help others first, you risk succumbing to hypoxia. And that would prevent you from helping anyone.

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

Most of us were raised to believe that saying no is rude and egocentric. This belief becomes a significant part of our value system. So we spend our childhoods and much of our adult lives trying to live in a way that reflects an image we consider more honorable and respectable.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no.

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else. And every time we say no, we free ourselves to spend that time and attention on another person or interest.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

The most responsible thing you can do is care for yourself before you cater to others.

you’re not responsible for solving other people’s problems. You’re responsible for yourself and those who depend on you (e.g. your immediate family).

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.

But you don’t respond with “I’m sorry. I’m unable to help you.” Instead, you hem and haw, and eventually say “Ummm… maybe, but I’m kinda busy. I don’t know how much time I can spare.” This sends a mixed message to the requestor. It tells him or her that you’re otherwise engaged, but may be receptive to the request. It signals that you might be persuaded to set aside your responsibilities to accommodate him or her.

It helps to have a reason for saying no. Your reason validates your inability and/or unwillingness to lend a hand. For example, consider the following two responses to a request for help… “I don’t have time to help you.” “I don’t have time to help you because I’m working on a crucial report that’s due in two hours.” The first response prompts the requestor to wonder whether your refusal to help is a personal rejection. That can lead to a confrontation, which helps neither party.

In other words, you made up the excuses to justify turning down the requests. There are two problems with this approach. First, you’re likely to feel guilty for misleading the requestor. Worse, the requestor will probably be able to recognize your deception.

Every time we say “I can’t,” we train our minds to avoid taking responsibility. “I can’t” implies that we’re at the mercy of external constraints.

Suppose your to-do list is filled with tasks and projects that’ll take up most of your day. You know this ahead of time because you’re adept at estimating the amount of time you’ll need to complete various tasks.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for people pleasers to overcome is feeling responsible for others’ feelings. They fear that saying no will disappoint and anger requestors. This fear prompts them to regularly put others’ priorities ahead of their own.

A person who struggles with a low self-image assumes other people are more important than he or she. Consequently, this individual lacks the confidence to act in self-interest. And that makes it difficult for him or her to say no.

Will people occasionally be disappointed, or even angered, by your refusal to help them? Of course. But remember, you can’t control others’ reactions. All you can be reasonably expected to do is say no with poise and sincerity.