The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

If you don't prioritize your life, someone else will. - Greg McKeown

A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Gandhi

Think of a friend or acquaintance whom you’d consider to be a typical people pleaser. This individual is probably one of the nicest people you know. He or she is always ready to lend a hand. You can count on him or her to help you whenever the need arises. This person will gladly abandon his or her personal pursuits to cater to your wants and needs. Does this behavior sound disturbingly familiar to you in a personal way? Do you notice aspects of it in yourself? For example, when someone requests your help, do you immediately set aside whatever you’re working on and say “Sure!”?

Yes

When I advise prioritizing your needs over the needs of others, I’m not suggesting you ignore the latter. Not at all! You can still be there for friends, family members, coworkers, and even strangers, and help them when asked. The important thing is that you avoid abandoning your own priorities in the process. After all, how much use will you be to others over the long run if you don’t first attend to yourself?

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

Healthy assertiveness is respectful. As we noted in the previous section, being assertive is nothing more than confidently communicating your position. Aggressiveness is belligerent. An aggressive individual communicates in a way that’s rude, dismissive, and even threatening.

Assertiveness: Listening to the other person, and then sharing a dissenting opinion after the other person has finished speaking. Aggressiveness: Interrupting the other person and speaking over him or her.

Saying no when someone asks for help: Assertiveness: Being direct in declining the request. Suggesting another person who may be able to help the requestor. Aggressiveness: Barking “NO!” at the requestor, and dismissing and/or belittling him or her for asking.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no.

Your coworker becomes visibly disappointed by your refusal to help. But is his or her disappointment truly your fault? Or did your coworker approach you with unrealistic - and perhaps even unfair - expectations regarding your ability and willingness to offer help?

But you don’t respond with “I’m sorry. I’m unable to help you.” Instead, you hem and haw, and eventually say “Ummm… maybe, but I’m kinda busy. I don’t know how much time I can spare.” This sends a mixed message to the requestor. It tells him or her that you’re otherwise engaged, but may be receptive to the request. It signals that you might be persuaded to set aside your responsibilities to accommodate him or her.

“I don’t have time to help you because I’m working on a crucial report that’s due in two hours.” The first response prompts the requestor to wonder whether your refusal to help is a personal rejection. That can lead to a confrontation, which helps neither party. The second response eliminates rejection as a possibility. Instead, it justifies your decision as reasoned and practical. The requestor may dislike your decision, but will be more likely to accept it at face value.

The best approach is to be direct, honest, and respectful.

The better approach is to turn down the request with a simple no, and resist the temptation to say more. This needn’t come across as rude or mean. On the contrary, as long as you’re civil, being direct shows respect. As a bonus, doing this consistently increases your self-confidence. That’ll make it easier for you to gracefully decline requests in the future.

Instead of telling the requestor, “I can’t,” tell him or her: I don’t want to.” Give a reason if you suspect doing so will defuse a potentially combative response. (Make sure your reason is sincere and not simply an excuse.) The important thing is that you own your decision.

Strategy #10: Describe Your Lack Of Bandwidth * * * This is one of my favorite ways to say no. It leaves the requestor with no room to pressure me into accommodating his or her request.

At that point, your friend might counter, “Tell you what. Help me for the first hour and then you can leave.” And on and on it goes, back and forth. You can short circuit this process by describing your day to your friend and explaining why you don’t have enough time to help. For example, you might say: I’d be glad to help on any other day. But today’s bad for me. Check out my schedule. I have two big projects due at 5:00 p.m. Each one will take me two hours to finish. I also have three

meetings today, each of which will last at least 45 minutes, and probably longer. And I have a conference call this afternoon, which will last 30 minutes. And at some point, I need to return several calls, respond to a bunch of emails, and fit in lunch somewhere. I literally don’t have time to help you move today.”

For this approach to be effective and guilt-free, you actually need to have a busy day ahead of you. In other words, don’t just make things up to appear busy.

Thanks for asking me to help. I appreciate your confidence in me. The thing is, I’m swamped until 4:30 p.m. Can you follow up with me then?”

When you begin turning down requests based on a particular attribute, you reset others’ expectations of you. Your coworkers, friends, and family members will eventually realize that you always decline such requests, and they’ll stop seeking for your participation.

Ultimately, you’re not in control of other people’s emotions, and thus cannot be culpable for their reactions. It goes without saying that intentionally hurting someone is a different matter altogether. If you’re rude or disrespectful, expect a negative, and perhaps even a hostile, response. Incivility breeds incivility. But if you remain courteous, candid, and sincere when turning down requests, and the requestor responds in a hostile manner, let it go. The negative feelings prompting the belligerence come from a place inside him or her over which you have no jurisdiction.

In this scenario, turning down your coworker doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, doing so is appropriate as it allows you to fulfill an earlier commitment. Will people occasionally be disappointed, or even angered, by your refusal to help them? Of course. But remember, you can’t control others’ reactions. All you can be reasonably expected to do is say no with poise and sincerity. Remember, it’s not your job to appease the requestor. Moreover, refusing to put his or her priorities ahead of your own doesn’t make you a disagreeable person. It makes you conscious of competing interests and obligations, and encourages you to manage them sensibly given your limited availability.

You can also force persistent and manipulative relatives to leave messages. For example, when they call you for help, let their calls roll to voicemail. When they email you, let some time pass before you reply. When they text you, resist the temptation to respond immediately. This tactic discourages urgent requests. For example, if your cousin knows that it takes you a few days to return his calls or emails, he’ll be less likely to approach you with requests that demand immediate action. These measures are designed to reset your extended family’s expectations of you. Your relatives might be offended in the beginning. They may even show signs of hostility. But with time and consistency, they’ll learn that you’re not the pushover they’ve come to expect.

Bottom line: saying no to your kids is a matter of setting expectations and standing your ground. Once your kids realize that “no” really means “no,” you’ll face less manipulative behavior.

You’ll find that many of the strategies covered in Part III: 10 Strategies For Saying No (Without Feeling Like A Jerk) are especially effective in the workplace. For example, asking requestors to follow up at a later time (Strategy #6) is a great way to gauge the urgency of a coworker’s request.

First, when responding to your boss, be forthright about your current workload and resulting lack of availability. Explain that you wouldn’t be able to do a good job on the new project given everything else that’s on your plate. If you’re already working under pending deadlines, mention them. Second, ask questions regarding the new project. When is it due? What does it involve? What skills are required? Will you need to coordinate activities among a group of participants? Third, ask your boss to reprioritize your workload. Suggest postponing an existing project that’s on your plate so you can devote your time and attention to the new project. Fourth, if none of your current projects and tasks can be rescheduled, ask whether the new project can be postponed. For example, you might tell your boss that you’ll have more bandwidth in five days, after you’ve completed your current deliverables.

give him a ride to the train station. Saying no is easy if you’ve decided beforehand to reject all such requests. You can respond: I have a rule that I don’t give rides to strangers.” That is all that’s required. If the requestor tries to convince you to consent (e.g. “C’mon, I’m a trustworthy guy!”), simply refer again to your rule and stick to your decision.

How To Say No To Yourself

Here’s a solution that works for me: make “I don’t” statements. These statements are a declaration of what you choose not to do. For example, when you’re offered a donut, you might say, “I don’t eat donuts.” If you’re invited to a friend’s house, and have chores looming, you could say, “I don’t like leaving chores undone. Can we get together tomorrow?” Think of the various temptations you might encounter, and how making an “I don’t” statement can help you to say no. Here are a few examples: Temptation: skip your daily visit to the gym. “I don’t” response: “I don’t skip visits to the gym.” Temptation: make a frivolous, expensive purchase. “I don’t” response: “I don’t spend money frivolously.”