The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

But allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path toward resentment and bitterness.

Yeah! That’ s so true! It’s a path to bitterness and resentment if you do not prioritise yourself. Also, I recently watched a video on Carl Jung on YouTube where it was claimed that CarlJung said that it is your responsibility to save your inner energy . Every interaction that we have with beings is an interaction involving flow of energy. It’s hidden but it is there. Some the interactions may be draining and could have because of complex, dynamic, hidden energy flow. One must protect oneself from those. Similar was the idea in how full is your bucket which helps you to understand the quality of every interactions can be assessed by understanding if we feel better or worse after it through the metaphor of bucket. Thus, we feel full or empty within after the interaction. To move towards positive emotion, I guess we need to say no.

safety to passengers. In the event the cabin decompresses, you’re supposed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others put on their masks.

to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

U am assertive in some nd not in some. Let me prioritise the ones in which I am then.

Assertiveness Versus Aggressiveness

Interesting! This is what I am interested in, in the difference because when I say no, I turn out to be aggressive.

Aggressiveness is belligerent. An aggressive individual communicates in a way that’s rude, dismissive, and even threatening. Here are a few examples

Aggressiveness is often an impulse. An aggressive person responds in a hostile or inconsiderate manner, and often regrets doing so later. By contrast, assertiveness is planned, thoughtful, and considerate. An assertive person communicates his or her position with clarity while taking the other person’s feelings into account.

i think this is the most interesting description.

The aggressive individual is loud, opinionated, and self-absorbed. The assertive individual understands how to express his or her point of view with grace.

Most of us were raised to believe that saying no is rude and egocentric. This belief becomes a significant part of our value system. So we spend our childhoods and much of our adult lives trying to live in a way that reflects an image we consider more honorable and respectable.

Why saying yes in hone able?

We end up saying yes to everyone around us, even as we become increasingly frustrated, embittered, and resentful.

for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no. This was a liberating feeling! It freed me from my fears of turning down requests.

It’s more than just an intellectual realization. You can feel it in your gut.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

Now I know the difference between selfish and self-caring so that I stop abandoning myself.

The most responsible thing you can do is care for yourself before you cater to others.

We Desire To Help Others

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help people. Rather, the best way to help people over the long run is to ensure your needs are met first. In other words, make sure that self-care has a higher priority than giving care.

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.

I am not so sure. because we do these things out of love too! But then ofcourse, helping others is aligned with our goals, and it doesn't feel like a burdensome experience. But yes, these can be reasons too, like low self-image when it is a burdensome experience. Actually, I have a different theory: maybe I do not want to be helpful to those people, and I like helping otherwise.

The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

We Want Others To Like Us

This is such an inherent desire to be human.

We Want To Appear Valuable

That so true! It makes me feel valuable.

We Fear Missing Out On Opportunities

That will apply to my good friend.

Emotional bullying occurs when one person makes another feel afraid, angry, or self-conscious for the purpose of achieving his or her ends.

The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important. You’re just being made

Start with situations where confrontations are likely to be nonexistent. An example is telling a salesperson at a clothing store that you don’t want to buy an article of clothing.

This was funny as well as so helpful at the same time. Particularly, for those people who do not say no.

By starting with low-risk situations, you’ll build a tolerance for conflict. Like a muscle, this tolerance will become stronger with repeated use. You’ll eventually grow comfortable saying no, even when faced with someone prone to anger when his or her requests are denied.

This is a good advice. Building tolerance through low level conflicts.

For example, in the beginning, just focus on not saying yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider requests and how they’ll impact your day. Interrupting your instinctive response will help to short circuit the habit. Next, examine the reasons you’re inclined to say yes. Are those reasons valid? For example, do you desire the requestor’s approval? Do you need that person to validate your sense of worth? Is it important to you that you’re included in his or her circle of friends? You may find that this learned behavior (i.e. automatically saying yes) is prompted by motivations that are trivial to you. It’s not easy to reverse a habit you’ve developed over years of repeated application. But it can be done. The first - and arguably most important - step is to recognize the habit exists.

Again a great advice

The possibility of conflict terrifies me.

I always try to be the person others want me to be.

Oh damn! I never even found myself!

I am fearful of others’ negative emotions toward me. I desperately want to be liked by others.

Rejection frightens me.

overanalyze every decision, concerned with h...

The first response prompts the requestor to wonder whether your refusal to help is a personal rejection. That can lead to a confrontation, which helps neither party.

Stalling is a bad idea for a few reasons. First, it strings the requestor along. It encourages him or her to hold out hope for your help even though there’s little chance you’ll be able to deliver.

The excuses are an attempt to deceive the person asking you for help.

Thanks for asking me to help. I appreciate your confidence in me. The thing is, I’m swamped until 4:30 p.m. Can you follow up with me then?”

clerk at a clothing store might ask you to sign up for a store credit account, and save 15% in the process. Politely decline, even if you’re tempted by the promised savings.

whether you’d like a croissant with your coffee. Say no, even if you begin salivating at the thought.

Who am I saying no to! To the other or myself!

Until they learn otherwise, a simple “no” is actually a “maybe.” They presume there’s a chance their parents will capitulate.

This book is a bit longer than it should have been. It details how to say no to every relationship in detail, which is such a personal experience. I would like to know the principles with examples. That’s it. Also, some ideas about saying no and the way you would say it so much depend upon the individuals. So yes empathetic person would be more prone to draining, but these suggestions are in too much detail, and I lost my interest. I would like to have known about holding information and waiting – all these are tactics too! Being honest is too preachy for an empathetic individual who is already thinking for the other. Empower that person with arsenals, not only bluntly or creatively saying no. That's not helpful for them.

Thank you, the intro was good but categorising and telling profile wise how to say no all, wasn’t helpful.