The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

issue: do you regularly feel unhappy, stressed, and exhausted as a result of constantly putting other people’s priorities ahead of your own?

But allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path toward resentment and bitterness.

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no.

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

The most responsible thing you can do is care for yourself before you cater to others.

There will always be someone who could benefit from your attention. There will always be people who will gladly accept your help if you offer it. But keep in mind, you’re not responsible for solving other people’s problems. You’re responsible for yourself and those who depend on you (e.g. your immediate family).

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time.

The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

you: learning to say no with purpose and poise will actually improve your status in the eyes of your friends, family members, and coworkers. You’ll no longer be seen as a doormat. Instead, you’ll gain their respect and inspire their trust.

Remember, there’s only so much time in the day. You can’t do everything. That means each time you say yes to something, you tacitly say no to something else.

The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person.

If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable.

practice saying no in small steps.

in the beginning, just focus on not saying yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider requests and how they’ll impact your day.

The best approach is to be direct, honest, and respectful.

as long as you’re civil, being direct shows respect.

you may decide to turn down all requests that require more than 30 minutes of your time during the workweek.

Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember how easy it was to say no? You weren’t worried about others’ feelings. Nor did you concern yourself with matters of etiquette. If you didn’t want to do something, you said so. And you didn’t beat around the bush or scramble to come up with excuses. You responded with a simple, unequivocal “no.”

We tend to presume that most requests will only require a small commitment from us. But too often, that’s untrue. A request that’s promised to take “a couple of minutes” ends up taking half an hour. A favor that’s promised to take an hour ends up consuming half the day.