The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path toward resentment and bitterness.

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion.

Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no. This was a liberating feeling! It freed me from my fears of turning down requests.

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

Will some people consider you selfish when you say no to them? Of course. You can’t control that. And it’s worth noting, you’re not responsible for them feeling that way.

The most responsible thing you can do is care for yourself before you cater to others.

Insecurity can make us feel inadequate, and even provoke twinges of shame.

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.

The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

you’ll find that saying no with purpose and grace will give you the confidence to move forward in a way that’s consistent with your convictions.

I was incapable of saying no since doing so meant abandoning an opportunity to receive someone’s approval.

We enjoy feeling relevant and important. It gives us higher status in others’ eyes, if only for a short time. Here’s the problem: this feeling can be intoxicating, prompting us to constantly seek opportunities to prove our worth and reinforce the idea that we’re valuable.

So the problem isn’t that we say yes to opportunities. The problem is that we fail to discriminate between the wrong opportunities and the right ones.

This change in habit requires a change in mindset. It entails abandoning your fear of missing out while remaining aware of opportunities that are consistent with your goals and interests.

Emotional bullying occurs when one person makes another feel afraid, angry, or self-conscious for the purpose of achieving his or her ends.

The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person.

If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable. Second, remind yourself that conflict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s merely the expression of contradictory views. How a person reacts to a conflict (with a calm demeanor or with anger) is an entirely different matter.

For example, in the beginning, just focus on not saying yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider requests and how they’ll impact your day. Interrupting your instinctive response will help to short circuit the habit.

you made up the excuses to justify turning down the requests. There are two problems with this approach. First, you’re likely to feel guilty for misleading the requestor.

Second, it opens the door to negotiations, which require time and effort.

The important thing is that you own your decision.

realize that you can’t control how others behave. If someone persists after you’ve turned him or her down, remind yourself that the individual’s persistence has nothing to do with the validity of your choices. Some people are simply pushy.

the moment you second guess your decision, a pushy requestor is likely to notice and become more persistent.

Respond in an uncivil manner, and you might hurt your career or harm the relationships you share with others.

You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions.

You’ve been told repeatedly that turning down requests for help is rude and disrespectful. This longstanding feedback has trained you to think that every “no” is worthy of suspicion.

You can also force persistent and manipulative relatives to leave messages.

For example, if your cousin knows that it takes you a few days to return his calls or emails, he’ll be less likely to approach you with requests that demand immediate action.

Saying no to our partners is not only sometimes necessary, but can add value to our relationships.

One of the preconditions to a healthy relationship, whether it’s one we share with our friends, coworkers, or relatives, is the existence of well-defined boundaries.

the first step toward learning to say no to your spouse is to identify your dislikes, opinions, and convictions. Then, establish boundaries that reflect them.

Saying no to your spouse or partner in situations where you harbor strong opinions is empowering.

surrendering to your child’s threat of poor behavior undermines your parental authority. That promises to make saying no increasingly problematic down the road.

Once your kids realize that “no” really means “no,” you’ll face less manipulative behavior.

But make clear that you won’t always be able to say yes. There will be times that you’ll have to say no. But when you do so, it’s always for good reasons - reasons you expect your friends to acknowledge and respect.

Simply state your intention as clearly as possible. And take ownership of your decision by saying “I don’t” or “I won’t” instead of saying “I can’t.”

But there’s value in communicating your limits. You’ll not only manage your stress levels, but you’ll also avoid being stretched too thin. The last thing you want is to take on new projects for which you have no time. Doing so is a recipe for frustration and failure.

At any given time, we’re subject to temptations that threaten to consume our time, money, labor, and other resources. Such temptations usually distract us from our goals. Being able to resist them - essentially, saying no to ourselves - is key to living a healthy, rewarding life.

Resisting temptations is crucial to staying focused on, and committed to, our goals.

make “I don’t” statements. These statements are a declaration of what you choose not to do.

Temptation: make a frivolous, expensive purchase. “I don’t” response: “I don’t spend money frivolously.”

When you give in to temptations, you become a slave to your impulses. The resulting short-term gratification often comes at the expense of long-term fulfillment.