James Acaster's Classic Scrapes

by James Acaster

If you compare the first story in this book to the final story you’ll see that they essentially happen to exactly the same person, a person who has learned absolutely nothing throughout his entire life. This first story takes place when he is five and as wise as he’s ever going to be.

Oh, and by the way, it didn’t taste like hot chocolate did it? It tasted like chocolate. Nothing tastes like hot chocolate. Something can taste like chocolate but not hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is not a flavour. It’s a temperature that a flavour can be served at but it’s not its own flavour.

Tying a tie for the first time when you’re twenty-eight is like never watching a single film until you’re twenty-eight and then trying to watch and understand 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Nu metal is a genre that usually mixes metal with hip hop resulting in something that doesn’t sound as good as metal or hip hop.

none of the adults in my life really know what they’re doing and that I too will never fully figure anything out.

In fact, any chance you get to do something technically illegal while making zero difference to anyone’s life, take it.

We had a four-hour drive ahead of us so we left at half past ten in the evening and by two a.m. I was asleep and if you’re good at maths you’ll know that that’s not good.

Maybe I should’ve formed a twenty-piece djembe jam band called dJam and released albums that sound identical but by their very nature cannot be replicated. I could’ve worn a multi-coloured woven hoodie and grown a little chin beard and changed my name to Leaf and been a vegan. But I didn’t do any of those things and now I’m writing a book about how much of a joke my entire life has been.

I honestly think getting drunk is one of the most overrated things we do as human beings and yet I keep doing it.

I had emerged unscathed and most people in my position would see that as a narrow escape and quit while they’re ahead. But then again, most people didn’t once sleep in a bush in Basingstoke while wearing a red dress for warmth.

You might think it’d be a little bit embarrassing to be the only person dressed as Superman at a Ninja Turtles party but what’s more embarrassing is being the only person dressed as Superman at a party where no one else is in fancy dress, which is exactly what happened to me.