James Acaster's Classic Scrapes

by James Acaster

I immediately started looking forward to twelve hours’ time when I could go back to sleep again and put this day behind me, even though none of it had happened yet.

there are some things that are way worse than dying and it’s important to experience those things while we’re alive in order to put death into perspective; that way we won’t get too down about our own mortality.

I may have been throwing myself out of a plane for these people a matter of weeks ago but I would trample every last one of them into the ground if it meant walking away with some free crockery from our friends across the Channel.

We are all failures and as such we are roaring successes.