Sometimes I Lie

by Alice Feeney

I remember my mum getting off the phone and telling me I’d been invited to stay at Claire’s house one last time before she moved.

now im confused

Claire was wearing her school backpack over her pajamas and I watched as she stood perfectly still in front of the old white oven. She turned one of the knobs and just stood there, staring at the cooker as though she was waiting for something to happen, then she turned another. I stayed where I was for a while, like I was frozen. Then she turned her head really slowly in my direction and I thought she could see me there on the stairs. It was like she was looking straight at me, her eyes flashing in the darkness, like a cat’s.

nah the slow head turn got me

People say there’s nothing like a mother’s love—take that away and you’ll find there is nothing like a daughter’s hate.

I hear him unfasten his belt. I hear a zip. He turns on a light above the bed, then roughly pulls the sheet down and my gown up. “Look at all that filthy hair,” he says, and repeatedly flicks his finger between my legs. “You used to wax when we were students, used to make an effort. Look at the state of you now. I’m doing you a favor, really. You better be grateful.”

HOLD ON

Without warning he plunges his fingers inside of me once more, then he pulls them out and rubs them on my face, inside my mouth, long fat digits pushing themselves between my lips, rubbing my teeth, my gums, my tongue. “Can you taste that? That’s you and me, that’s what we taste like. It wasn’t as good as I hoped, but then looking back it always was a bit like fucking a corpse.”

i-

Christmas is a time for tolerating the family you didn’t choose.

Fear of the unknown is always greater than fear of the familiar.

A person who will not be missed.

???

It was the funeral today. It was strange because there weren’t many people there, not like the funerals you see on TV. My aunt Madeline was invited, but she didn’t come.

AUNT

Then I remember that Paul said he had set up a camera in my room. He must have watched what happened. The idea of it makes me feel sick.

I can remember the night of the accident. I can remember it all. I know what happened now. It wasn’t me driving on Christmas Day and it wasn’t an accident at all. I’ve been away. I don’t know how long for, but I’m back now and I remember everything.

well fill me in

“What exactly did you tell her?” I ask, hearing my voice shake. “Please can we stop talking about your sister, her dull husband, and the terrible twins?”

“It wasn’t that, it was her stupid diaries. She asked me why I bought you one and I told her because I’d found hers in the loft and then she went from nought to psycho in less than a few seconds.” It’s all getting very loud inside my head. “I told you not to tell Claire about the diaries and I told you not to read them.”

oop

“I love you.” “Oh my God,” says Paul, and lets go of my hand. I instinctively want to see what the matter is so I try to open my eyes. The bright light overwhelms me at first and the pain of it shoots through to the back of my skull. “Paul.” I hear a voice and realize it is my own. “I’m right here,” he says, and I can see him. He’s crying and now I’m crying. He’s kissing me and I can see him. This is real. My eyes really are open. I’m awake.

“It’s just a tiny bleed. You’ll be okay. Give me the car keys.” I shake my head. “Call Paul.” “Just give me the keys. The hospital is fifteen minutes from here, it’s quicker than calling for an ambulance. We’ll call him on the way.” I do what she says, like I always have.

k im piecing together what happened

Some people appear happy on the outside and you only know they’re broken inside if you listen as well as look.

Claire puts her gloved hand on mine. It’s cold and I open my eyes to see her staring at me instead of at the road. She smiles and the instant terror numbs me. “I love you,” she says before turning back to the road with both hands on the steering wheel. I hear the brakes screech, and then everything slows down. My body lifts from the chair and I’m flying. I crash through the windshield hands first, as though diving through a pool of glass.

what a crazy bitch

“We were driving along, you were crying in pain, and then you said something about a little girl in a pink dressing gown. I thought there was a child in the street. You screamed at me to stop.” She empties her words into my ears and eventually they find me. I don’t know what’s real anymore.

yall bout to piss me off

I check David’s pulse. There isn’t one; he’s already cold. I move around to the other side of the bed to check on Claire. Her pulse is weak but she has one. I guess he ate more of the meal I made them. The bag of drugs from the hospital seems to have worked.

?????

I whisper in her ear, “Two peas in a pod.” Her eyes open and I jump back from the bed. She looks toward the sound of her children screaming down the hall. I relax when I realize she can’t move anything other than her eyes. They’re wide and wild as she stares in my direction with a look I’ve never seen in them before. Fear. I hold the petrol can up so that it’s within Claire’s field of vision. She looks at it, then back to me. I study my sister’s face one last time, then take her hand in mine, squeezing it three times before letting her go. “I never was fond of gas,” I say, before leaving the room.

oh wtf

I pass the petrol station where I bought the petrol over two months ago. The CCTV of that day will have been deleted now, but their records will show that it was paid for with a credit card belonging to Madeline Frost.

We all have to have something or someone to love, otherwise the love inside us has nowhere to go.

“Did you see who delivered this to our room?” “I was still on Skype, they just came in and left it on the side. Why? What’s wrong?” I don’t answer. I’m transfixed by the thin bracelet on the tray, small enough for a child’s wrist. It’s held together with an old, slightly rusty safety pin and my date of birth is engraved on the gold.

oh wow