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I want to keep my dreams, even the bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long. Joseph Heller
I try to pretend I’m a normal girl living a normal life without a shit ton of baggage trailing from the noose around my neck.
Maybe he’ll be my monster.
My dirty soul must be a beacon to other dirty souls out for a good time. It’s always like this.
They must smell it on me. Taste it on the air. Hone into the fucked-up frequencies of freaks like me.
Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win. Stephen King
My skeleton melts and sags. My secrets ready to tumble from my unhinged jaw in a river of pure relief.
And then I make a choice, right here and now. I make a choice between breakdown and breakthrough, even though I’m not sure where the two meet anymore.
Two weeks and he’ll be my monster. A monster of flesh and bone and breath. A monster who won’t disappear when I open my eyes.
I want to break her.
It’ll feel so good to fucking break her.
To punish her like I should have puni...
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I want to pin her down and take her body until her soul fin...
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I want to force my way inside her, deep enough to make her scream. I want to pound her until she can’t breathe, until there...
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I’ll hurt her until she thinks she’s been hurting forever, until she screams so much she can’t scream anymore. Until she’s done. Until she’s mine. Fucking mine.
My cock is a fucking weapon. Mariana made it so – begged for it to be so.
She can fight me with everything she’s got, but it won’t matter.
She’ll suffer for her salvation, just as I’ll suffer for mine, cursed with needs I can’t ignore.
Scared pussy always hurts so fucking bad.
Scared pussy always fights.
And scared pussy always taste...
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Forcing my way inside her will be fucking divine. Leaving marks on her pa...
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Breaking her open will be my divine fuc...
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I’ll make her come regardless, even if she doesn’t think she can. Even if her pussy cries in protest. Even if she hates how dirty it makes her feel.
Gonna leave my handprints over her pretty pale tits.
Gonna lick the tears from her cheeks.
Gonna make her beg me...
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Gonna hurt her so bad she won’t ...
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Gonna make her realise that beasts come after bait.
Gonna make her realise that meeting some stranger online was a stupid fucking mistake. For both of us.
He’s just a monster in the darkness. He’s just a hand around my throat. Muscle against my back.
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
Six bars along the length of me. A thick curve of steel spearing the head.
It always hurt her. Sometimes it drew blood. Sometimes it even hurt me too.
This girl, Abigail – bait – is edging me towards insanity. Or salvation. Reawakening a beast I thought died along with the woman I couldn’t save.
She’s a fractured mirror reflecting my own fucking brokenness. A beautiful demon in the darkness whispering my name.
Friends getting married, having kids. Friends with kids meeting friends with kids and inviting me along – the woman that can’t have one.
“You don’t need to be jealous,” I whisper. “You’re all I think about. I hope you’re waiting around every corner. I fall asleep with my fingers between my legs, pretending they’re yours.”
“Loverboy won’t fuck you like I can, I promise you,”
“He’ll never give you what you need.”
He’s preaching to the converted, but I fucking love it.
“Beg for me like you fucking mean it,”
“One of these nights I really am gonna tie you to the bedposts,”
“I’m gonna tie you up so fucking tight you can’t even squirm, and then I’m gonna suck on that fucking clit until you scream the whole fucking building down.”
She tastes like pain and fear and oblivion. She tastes like a disaster waiting to happen.
She tastes like devil’s blood and quicksand. Like the broken fucking parts of me.
Like I’m burning all over again. Like she...
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His breath on my lips. His fingers on his belt. My soul in his hands.
“Gonna destroy your cunt, Abigail,” he tells me. “Your body’s gonna learn to take me. Gonna fucking beg for my dick in raw.”
“You’re so beautiful,” he breathes. “I love how beautiful you are when you hurt.”

