Acts and Omissions: (Lindchester Chronicles 1) (The Lindchester Chronicles)

by Catherine Fox

She felt frowzy, misplaced, and bloated with malevolence, like Shelob squeezed into a knicker shop.

Josephine was the kind of woman Jane very much enjoyed researching, but would avoid if she saw her coming in the supermarket.

Beside him sits his chaplain, a tightly wound coil of Evangelical passive-aggression.

Marion will not crow; she is far too decent a human being. By tacit agreement she outsources her venom to Gene, who is more than happy with the arrangement. John the Bastard has wasted a year of Gene’s life by proxy; so a select little surprise gathering of a celebratory nature has been convened.

The Community Choir comprises about ninety keen amateurs who can hold a tune and read music. Or at any rate, can follow the contours of the musical landscape with a finger, provided they are standing next to someone confident.

what’s the difference between an organist and a terrorist? Answer: you can negotiate with a terrorist.

He knows they do, but when you’re single you tend to slip off people’s radar. Everyone’s so busy being child-friendly and family-friendly, they forget to be spinster-friendly.

Long years of confidence-keeping mean that silence goes without saying here. But there are times when he feels like a landfill site for everyone else’s crap. Be nice to take a holiday, get the stink out of his nose, take a break from beating off gannets the whole chuffing time. Or, once in a blue moon, offload on to someone else.

Please be patient with the nice assistants in the cathedral shop. You will encounter them, pecking at the till as though playing some terrifying retail version of Russian roulette that might trigger an explosion at any moment. These good folk are volunteers of retirement age, gamely battling with modern technology. Bite your tongue as they scan the bar codes with in-fin-ite care. ‘Oh dear, oh dear, what am I doing wrong? It doesn’t seem to be working!’ They will proceed to check the scanner by turning it towards their face, momentarily blinding themselves with a scribble of red light. Don’t smirk. My friend, you too will be old one day, and baffled by technology.