It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

by Megan Devine

Don’t fact-check, and don’t correct.

Do: Let them own their own experience.

Do: Remember that grief belongs to the griever.

Don’t tell them that they’re strong or brave.

Remind them that you’re there, and that they can always lean on you when the load of grief gets too heavy to carry alone. Let them be a right awful mess, without feeling they need to show you a brave, courageous face.

Don’t be a cheerleader. When things are dark, it’s OK to be dark. Not every corner needs the bright light of encouragement.

Do: Mirror their reality back to them. When they say, “This entirely sucks,” say, “Yes, it does.” It’s amazing how much that helps. Don’t talk about “later.” When someone you love is in pain, it’s tempting to talk about how great things are going to be for them in the future. Right now, in this present moment, that future is irrelevant.

Do: Stay in the present moment, or, if the person is talking about the past, join them there. Allow them to choose. Don’t evangelize (part one).

Do: Trust that the person has intelligence and experience in their own self-care.

“Are you wanting empathy or a strategy right now?” Respect their answer.