It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

by Megan Devine

It then sets up this “my grief is worse than yours” dichotomy that leaves everyone feeling unheard and dismissed. Comparison doesn’t work for anyone.

We stop saying “this hurts” because no one listens.

A happy ending inside grief like yours cannot be a simple “everything worked out for the best.” That ending isn’t even possible.

Pain is not always redeemed, in the end or otherwise. Being brave—being a hero—is not about overcoming what hurts or turning it into a gift. Being brave is about waking to face each day when you would rather just stop waking up. Being brave is staying present to your own heart when that heart is shattered into a million different pieces and can never be made right. Being brave is standing at the edge of the abyss that just opened in someone’s life and not turning away from it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy “think positive” emoticon. Being brave is letting pain unfurl and take up all the space it needs. Being brave is telling that story. It’s terrifying. And it’s beautiful. Those are the stories we need.

I am tired of hearing there is a reason for your death, for my heartbreak, and that when we get to the other side it will all make sense.

We do this because being human hurts. It hurts because we love. Because we are connected to those around us, and it’s painful when they die. It hurts when we lose what we love.

When you get to the “emergency contact” part of a form, and realize you can no longer put down the name of the person who has held that spot for years.

The mind. Not so much a happy place. It’s true what they say in many spiritual traditions:

the mind is the root of suffering.

What did I miss? Why didn’t I do something differently? How am I supposed to live with this now? Did I cause all this? Those are the kinds of thoughts that shut you down and shut you off. They’re not useful. They create suffering. They make things worse.

Inside your grief, you have to put yourself first. To survive, you have to become fierce about caring for yourself.