We All Fall Down

by Natalie D. Richards

It wasn’t often, but sometimes there was a girlfriend. They never lasted. Some random girl would manage—for no comprehensible reason—to captivate every ounce of his attention for a few weeks. Just as inexplicably, she’d start boring him to death. It crushed me the first time. After that, it got easier. I’m never the girl he leaves behind.

A mix of worry and fear feathers over her features. It’s a look that tells me that she loves me, and that she still thinks I’m broken.

My throat is dry, and my heart’s going too fast. I can barely think about the results. I feel pinned to the carpet. This is when I hate anxiety the most. When I can feel it, like a big hand pushing me down. Making it hard to breathe and speak.

Can you go to the darkest imaginable places with a person and still walk with them in the light?

love him. Then. Now. Always. In a movie, it would be enough to undo every bad thing. Out here in the real world, though, love isn’t enough.

I don’t know how to read her anymore. Does she see me as a good partner, or some kind of charity case? Someone who’s exceptional at research, or a girl who’ll never be strong enough to handle real college on her own? Who knows what she thinks of me.

Who knows what anyone would think of me. I’ve got medicine on the dresser, but a stack of academic recommendations. Bitten-down nails, but a neat and tidy wardrobe. A friend like Melanie and a friend like Theo. Maybe we’re all contradictions in the end.

History stains everything. I think you should use that.” My thumb is in my mouth, teeth worrying at the nail before I have the sense to pull it free. I press my hands to the table, noting her glossy manicure and perfect skin. What stains did her history leave? In that moment, I think I hate her. For being better. For having more. Maybe because I feel so small beside her.

I’m saying it now like it’s my idea, and it’s not. This is one more lie to add to all the others. I smile again, and I feel like I’m wearing someone else’s skin. But this is who I want to be, right? Fearless and competent. More like Melanie. I can get there if I keep trying.

We’re both tainted water, but Theo’s bubbles up on the surface like an oil spill. Mine is invisible. Arsenic hiding in plain sight. I’ll never get fired. I’ll never get in a fistfight. When you stand me next to Theo, I’m the picture of mental health and stability. I’m not better than him, but I know I look like I am.

“When are we ever ready to let go? The past feels safe.” “Sometimes you have to push past safe to get to healthy.”