First, We Make the Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety—A Personal Journey Through Anxiety and Self-Discovery

by Sarah Wilson

The more anxious we are, the more high-functioning we will make ourselves appear, which just encourages the world to lean on us more. — cruel irony #2

In A First-Rate Madness, Dr. Nassir Ghaemi argues that the best crisis leaders in history have had anxiety. “When our world is in tumult, mentally ill leaders function best,” he writes. It’s a bold claim, but he goes on: “In the storm of crisis, complete sanity can steer us astray, while some insanity brings us to port.

“Help us manage our fire, yes, but don’t try to extinguish us.”

Anxiety is painful. There’s nothing quite like it. It’s extremely private and lonely and it comes with the overwhelming sense that no one on the planet could possibly relate to the intensity and the sharpness. The whirling thoughts are so uniquely you, in a “stale bedsheets smell after a bout of the flu” kind of way. It’s every thought you ever had, all at once. No one could ever understand so many thoughts. Which is why when someone asks me, “What’s going on? What are you anxious about?” there is no way to explain.

There is never a perfect decision. They become perfect when we make them.

I love this idea. Tilting. It’s when you have so much to do and you could list it all out and try to prioritize. Or you could just sit in the everythingness and lean toward stuff as it arises that feels right. Tilting doesn’t involve holding up the hand and plonking a lump of logs in the flow. Nope. When you tilt you grab a log that looks about right and jump on.

Most of us cry out for more time, thinking that’s what we need (much like balance). But tell me when more time has helped anyone in a hot anxious mess? Time doesn’t release the pressure. Time doesn’t take the cap off the toothpaste. Time doesn’t loosen the knots. If we get time, we tend to just fill it with more thoughts. What we need is more space.